tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69809244088916474122024-03-13T20:02:05.019-04:00SightlineLife, Family and Vocation Coaching:Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.comBlogger94125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-17672511126517632015-09-20T13:31:00.001-04:002015-09-20T13:39:17.335-04:00I Hear the Word Narcissism Batted Around a lot<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="color: #292f3d; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I hear the word Narcissism batted
around a lot in professional quarters these days... to the point that it
becomes as meaningless as other diagnostic terms and conditions that become
short hand for ways to "professionally" legitimize stigma and excuse
an inability to make an impact on someone whose control over their own life
looks haphazard and self destructive and resists change and "advice"
offered by professionals who do that sort of thing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #292f3d; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">For me it seems important to
remember that people who have strong narcissist leanings... I mean the real
ones... not just vested and assertive self interest or differences of viewpoint
that are unpopular in the group think tank...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>have inadequate ego strength usually because of trauma or sustained and
unrelieved loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their "self"
is like an egg shell of necessary bravado that is presented to the world
because they feel without it their real self, inside the shell, will never be
able to hold together or be put back together again should the shell crack or
be cracked. A Humpty Dumpty kind of thing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #292f3d; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Most people in treatment who are
defined in this way are failed by and subsequently repulse helpers who act like
“all the king’s horses and all the kings men”. They’ve got all the equipment,
the armor and weapons, but none of the finesse or skill. Lots of advice, none
of the authentic listening skills and ways to give the person control of the
rate of their own change and its dynamics. One can’t just take away a defense
system even if it is defective. One can’t expect a hardboiled egg in two
minutes. I think they, those helpers, also see themselves and their own
narcissistic shell represented and it repulses them… and the more they fail to
make impact the more it challenges their own narcissism.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #292f3d; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">A softer and more proactive
approach is required here, a kinder one I think, with the understanding that the softness inside
is vulnerable to the point of being unformed (or its vulnerability creates a
terror of being unformed); but it is also the place where the heart is and it
is generally tougher than supposed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #292f3d; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">-- Bob Vance<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-17674628104457033882014-10-28T12:43:00.002-04:002014-10-28T12:43:45.798-04:00THE OPPOSITE OF PTSD AND WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5IFwCEBNEmaQCp5Fh0u_aLilnEUiDNQtLz4P409gjhLSyeR1PhrU_mbmIK5SB9EBIZPLexl-TezITrvL-GOGqHNbE5PPQI1ztExWKoKU4PnhqX3QYGSnLQNmlZeLv692RgPST1l3H-sA/s1600/IMG_0065.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5IFwCEBNEmaQCp5Fh0u_aLilnEUiDNQtLz4P409gjhLSyeR1PhrU_mbmIK5SB9EBIZPLexl-TezITrvL-GOGqHNbE5PPQI1ztExWKoKU4PnhqX3QYGSnLQNmlZeLv692RgPST1l3H-sA/s1600/IMG_0065.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It's time to start thinking about the opposite of PTSD and
what it looks like.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday it thundered and rained much of the day. Every
time I found myself out in the rain and listening to the thunder I was
transported, quite viscerally, back to my backpacking trip on North Manitou
Island in August. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One morning on that trip I woke in the morning and heard
some rumbling coming from over the lake. Storms can come from over the water
and can often be heard approaching for hours before they "arrive". <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought I should make a decision to either stay put, get
rained on, let my gear dry out, and then proceed to pack up and go on to the
place I wanted to be that night, a wonderful lake in the middle of the island
(I had been camping on the west shore of the island for two nights), or skip
breakfast, pack up right away, and risk getting rained on while I walked, so I
could get to the lake early enough to dry up anything necessary before
nightfall. I wanted to spend as much time at the lake as possible. It is one of
my spirit spots, a truly brilliant place. I decided to get going. I packed up,
walked across the field through high underbrush, where there used to be a
lakeside village a hundred years before, to the entrance of the woods. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was getting darker and darker as I walked. I wanted to at
least get into the trees before the rain started. I thought I would get less
wet. That was true for a while after the rain started. The old growth
beech/maple forest was very dark and a little foreboding as the rain started. I
felt a bit like Hansel or Gretel walking through the woods, although I was
leaving no breadcrumb trail. After about an hour of walking with the rain
barely reaching me through the trees, making incredible music through the
leaves, the rumbling became louder and more insistent. The rains started in
earnest. A fine symphonic roar. The thunder crashed and the lightning was
rapids and startling in its urgency.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This went on for about another hour or more. Yes, I was wet,
but I was also completely in awe. As it rained the darkness of the storm
started to abate. It grew lighter by degrees, and soon there were shafts of
filtered light breaking through the pillars and arches of the trees. The wind
swelled the orchestration from the rain and the water left in the trees as it
was blown off the leaves. I was soaked. My gear was dry for the most part
because of a strategically employed garbage bag. I had not seen another person
the entire walk and would not until hours later after I had arrived at the
lake, taken a swim and had something to eat. By then the sky was almost clear
and clean, bright and hot. I was elevated and completely happy. Maslow might
call it self-actualized, but I'm not sure that description does the state of
being justice. Connected. A Part of the Whole. Convinced of the Integrated
Nature of Living. Unexplainable. To be felt. To be remembered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the state I re-experienced every time I heard the
thunder and rain yesterday. Reverse PTSD.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In PTSD flashbacks we are forced by the way in which our
mind/body connection builds its defenses to replay vivid remembrances of how
we've been hurt. So we can avoid being hurt again, or remember how we maneuvered
through that hurt. The opposite of this would be an experience like the one I
have described... the ability to relive, re-feel, the excellence and spiritual
heights that our lives here offer us as often, at least, as it offers us
reminders of what has caused pain.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-79139882142852401742014-04-13T22:30:00.004-04:002014-04-13T22:32:13.461-04:00Some Thoughts About the Nature of Successful Addiction Recovery Programs <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfyjRA-fHrHGitRAgdyUnpV76ABhowv3IWY8Mdl3A2pTmRiw3jQKMqnxduXfQ8mRIg3dle4YZbMX1J7FRMuCkNO97-nZmnxXbIfmUzRdYedCXPrg9En1tdG31gAc1pgKpKQ_sSXFV9B2s/s1600/IMG_0014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfyjRA-fHrHGitRAgdyUnpV76ABhowv3IWY8Mdl3A2pTmRiw3jQKMqnxduXfQ8mRIg3dle4YZbMX1J7FRMuCkNO97-nZmnxXbIfmUzRdYedCXPrg9En1tdG31gAc1pgKpKQ_sSXFV9B2s/s1600/IMG_0014.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 15px;"></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 15px;">A successful program would not base effectiveness solely on sobriety, regardless of how ideal that state might be for the addict.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;">How many of us exist in the ideal state of our goals, dreams and hopes? Why do we insist on it for addicts? Individuation would necessarily dictate that there are people who are more seriously afflicted than others, and in innumerable individual combinations of ways. In that way it becomes essential to re-commit and re-assure those who have more difficulty with the intensity of their addiction, rather than assume weakness of will, intentional sabotage, or fear that failure of the power of intervention is at the basis of any presumed “failure”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;">The ultimate test of the success of an addiction program is if it incorporates the understanding that individuation is a primary feature of the human brain and of human behavior. In that way the degree of intensity with which each individual is afflicted by the multi-faceted dis-ease of addiction would be the primary factor in the design of each person's "program" for recovery. Each program would stay, change and grow, evolve, in place regardless of frequency or duration of relapse.</span></div>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 15px;">The power of the addiction, the acceptance of the powerlessness
over the addiction, is a primary facet of developing a recovery plan that
reduces damage, improves quality of life, and informs the will to succeed in
whatever way one measures success for each individual. Demanding ultimate
sobriety and abandoning individuals to their own means outside the support
structure of the program designed to help them manage the addiction because
they have a darker and more insidious struggle against addiction is
re-traumatizing at the least. This kind of abandonment might best be considered
to be against the basic tenets of ethics for any helping professional engaged
in the treatment of addiction.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Will-power may be an important ingredient in each person’s
efforts to recover, but it too comes in individuated designs and expression.
Combined with such a wide spectrum of individually experienced struggles with
addiction, the role of Will and its so-called lack can only really account for
one piece of the puzzle of why people succumb and relapse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It is beyond judgmental, and in the end cruel and self-serving,
to demand that Will be the primary attribute that determines a person’s success
or failure when it is present in such a variety of degrees and presentations. Successful
programs, then, would by necessity be required to re-examine and re-calibrate
all of these forgone, generally counter-transference based, and all-too-common
provider cultural attitudes about relapse and the role of Will in order to be
determined to be successful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Success would be less measured in terms of sobriety but by other
means more fitting to the nature of what is possible according to each individual’s
spectrum of abilities and strengths as opposed to what is preferable as
determined by and for the provider.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-86685898914109837922013-12-16T22:02:00.002-05:002013-12-18T12:13:47.922-05:00Just In Time For the Holidays -- Some Thoughts About the Way Our Families Communicate<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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There's a short segment in the movie "Annie Hall" that I have used as an example in groups and have recommended in family meetings (I include the YouTube link to that clip at the end of this article). It's perfect for illustrating the cultural differences between what are called high context families and low context. It shows brilliantly and with great humor the kind of family differences that can emerge around the holiday dinner table.<br />
<br />
In the clip we see Woody at Annie's family's Connecticut WASP Easter table. Quiet, no one overlaps in conversation, a lot of negative space, one conversation at a time... low context. Soon the screen divides and we are shown Woody's Brooklyn family around their table, much chatter, much conversational overlap and great ranges in dynamics of emotion and volume: high context, high emotional expression.<br />
<br />
This range in family communication styles comes to the fore for many of us during the holidays. As families become more diverse in our society, the holiday table becomes more complicated to navigate. We all want to have closeness and love expressed during these, often rare, times of family togetherness, but often find it hard to accomplish. We go away disheartened and sometimes hurt, even when we had the best of intentions. There's a roller coaster ride aspect to the holiday table that makes it difficult for some people to feel comfortable.<br />
<br />
I think there is a lot of bias toward low context problem solving in this culture when both are equally fraught with pitfalls and potential relationship dysfunction on a catastrophic level (as opposed to your every day "normal" dysfunction).<br />
<br />
I prefer the high context scenario myself, and while that might be a bias, I think more damage is done when people withhold the intensity of feelings that they have and sanitize, silence or pervert them into indirect passive aggression.<br />
<br />
Direct, passionate communication is scary stuff for many people from low context/passive aggressively based family systems. Just as many folks from more assertive/aggressive backgrounds and cultures can actually become a little unhinged in a group that is anchored in passive aggressive coping and problem solving strategies.<br />
<br />
I believe there are studies that show that passive aggressive behavior is ultimately much more damaging and less likely to be adequately addressed and soothed than behavior on the aggressive end of the spectrum that is easily identified and named, harder to deny. People/families acclimated to it can often be enlisted to be much more readily committed to problem solving and admitting their feelings and shortfalls.<br />
<br />
What is thought to be "Yelling" in passively instructed families/groups/systems can be quite mild on the spectrum/range. But avoidance of all conflict that elicits raised voices can be really destructive in the end. Perhaps it would be better to call acting out in passive aggressive ways a kind of yelling as well.<br />
<br />
Some people, of course, are simply not equipped to engage in a dynamic passionate manner, and so will not, should not... and often find ways to manage the high emotional states that everyone has in other ways.<br />
<br />
It is not so important to attempt to conform yourself or your family to a particular style that appears from the outside to be more "perfect" than your own. The primary strength for each of us, and each of our families, lies in our individuation. In that way, identification of what works about how you and your family function along the spectrum from high to low context can be as instructive and revealing as any plan to change the inherent structure of how your family communicates... especially if the plan is based on one person's judgment and not on some consensus. The holidays are rarely a time to engage in consensus building over anything but who gets the turkey leg or who can have the last of the pumpkin pie... and even that can be fraught with peril!<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8TSvMx2wPI.">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8TSvMx2wPI.</a></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-13640647865538381932013-11-16T19:04:00.000-05:002013-11-16T19:04:10.027-05:00WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT HOARDING DISORDER THIS WEEK:
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV2x3FrjeDC7xYXjRsFQ53nWL4kQUqSzZO8SxQmN5Abwxx5Ns2viccv-V0ivz2NU69Ljf69FoYZvBbZWqmqm9qHGtRFv3KUMeLQIiN_2cmoBi1eXYjjxzyj3mIF9uwpfEzEwR70Qu4744/s1600/IMG_0986.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV2x3FrjeDC7xYXjRsFQ53nWL4kQUqSzZO8SxQmN5Abwxx5Ns2viccv-V0ivz2NU69Ljf69FoYZvBbZWqmqm9qHGtRFv3KUMeLQIiN_2cmoBi1eXYjjxzyj3mIF9uwpfEzEwR70Qu4744/s320/IMG_0986.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I learned that people with a hoarding disorder often do not,
cannot, see the same things in their homes as someone who is visiting them.
Their brains distort how the mess in their homes is perceived. If you show them
a picture of the inside of their homes, they often do not recognize it as
theirs, but if you take them to visit another hoarders home they are appalled. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hoarding, as we are finding with many other
brain disorders, is an integrated dysfunction: it is genetic, brain-based, and
nurture based at the same time. In a culture of acquisition like this one, it
can become very common and is reinforced.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hoarders’ brains make it difficult to impossible for them to
evaluate comparative worth of one thing from another. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A theme in treatment for hoarders is to try to
teach them to make “quick and imperfect” decisions.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hoarding is not OCD, although it is related. OCD is
ego-dystonic, which means it brings no pleasure. Hoarding is ego-syntonic, in
that it does bring pleasure. Hoarders have difficulty with jobs and with
relationships for some of these related reasons: they are often unable to act
as if a relationship (with friends, significant others, children) is more or
less valuable than things. They are unable to recognize how their behavior
devalues relationships or makes relationships equal to things. They have
difficulty with prioritizing decision-making and the idea of perfectionism is a
theme in how they approach day-to-day decisions. Hoarders and their hoarding very
often come to the attention of authorities through Child Protective Services. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hoarders often believe that their immense stash is valuable
beyond measure and, even if they die suddenly, leaving family in charge of the
clean up, they will be forever lauded because of the value of what they have
left behind. The truth is that the cost of cleaning up after a hoarder has died
costs families between 30,000 and 50,000 dollars. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Confrontation doesn’t work as an approach, mostly due to the
manner in which the brain accommodates or produces the need to collect and
store things and the inability to measure worth and discard what is unworthy.
Neither does purging or forced clean up directed by a concerned friend or
family, although there is often a need to do just that. Forced clean ups and
purges often reinforce the need to collect and increase the frequency and
amount of collection.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hoarding at various levels occurs in up to 1 out of every
twenty to one out of every fifty individuals and is more prevalent in men than
in women.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b>Approaches, Ideas and Guidelines:</b></u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Cut off all paper flow<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Steady throwing away daily<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Throw away pieces if you can’t throw away entire
objects<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Foul the trash (to avoid retrieving)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Involve Family Members<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Seek assistance to help develop guidelines for
keeping vs tossing<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u>Themes for Hoarding Behavior Change :</u></b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Do you want to build a legacy of trash?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Everything goes to the dumpster eventually<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Build relationships with people… not things<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Things are here to serve us, not the other way around<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->“How does this item add to my life?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>-- taken in part from<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Identifying and treating Hoarding Behaviors” <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Laura M. Lokers LCSW<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>University of Michigan Dept. of Psychiatry<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Suggested Reading: ”Stuff” R. Frost and G. Steketee. (good for both
clinicians and as self help)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-29899877940783654542013-03-24T10:30:00.001-04:002013-03-24T10:32:09.947-04:00Facing the Facebook Scenario<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 19px;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Recently someone I haven’t seen in almost forty years
requested that I “friend” him. We were quite close as teenagers, especially in
our last year of school, then I lost track of him. He stayed in my hometown. I
went to college and grew my hair. I lost track of many people in the five or
six years after high school, and, to tell you the truth, Facebook has been a
boon for me in terms of reconnecting with folks I haven’t seen in decades. Friends
and lovers and then the friends of friends of friends of lovers from all over
the world busy on their computers finding out what happened. What happened to
you? Where have you been? What are you doing now? What do you think?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Decades. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Wow. The fact that I’m old enough to think in terms of
multiple groupings of ten-year spans is a little overwhelming. There’s a great
gift in this, right? Suddenly this episodic life full of moves and different
groupings of friends has found a place, even if it’s “virtual”, that gifts me
with the presence of representatives of every one of those episodes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People from my college years are writing
short blurbs and blats to people who are inseparable from my identity as an
artist. How does this happen? Mostly they get along. Mostly. But back to the
scenario:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It starts out okay. We greet each other enthusiastically. We
reminisce. He is a terrible speller, but then, so am I at times when I don’t
check and recheck (and even then, I miss embarrassing words. Its and It’s
anyone? sheesh!). Then comes the bomb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, I have Facebook friends who have views that are
diametrically opposed to mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not
the kind of guy who automatically de-friends or blocks someone who finds their
way on to my friends list and is, say, vehemently anti-abortion. My mother had
an illegal abortion in the years before she married my father. She told me this
story tearfully. One of the only times I ever saw her cry. How could I be
anything BUT pro-choice? Then there are those whose Christian ejaculations on Facebook
are rather frequent. I am a committed and radical agnostic. But, especially
recently, I have made a commitment to keep as wide a range of Facebook friends
as possible. I can scroll past anything that is not to my liking. Easy. Or I
can engage in a little debate if I wish. Debate can be good for my own
thinking, and for my writing. Why not? If we can start and end respectfully, don’t
call names or let the sarcasm get too completely out of hand, we can go on and
find areas, even surprisingly, where we agree and can celebrate that agreement.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s not to say I haven’t blocked or de-friended. When I
first started on Facebook I was almost immediately appalled at what people
posted and what they would say to one another. I quickly, out of the excitement
for the new medium, gathered a bunch of people to my list, friends of friends
and acquaintances that I didn’t know well. But I had different expectations. I
offended many of them by speaking my mind. I had this idea that people there
would automatically agree with my passions and my politics. Boy was I surprised!
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This has been a recurring theme in my life. I remember
attending my first poetry workshop. I was a callow twenty year old writing my
first poems and presenting them for the first time to people in a rather large
group of academics (my first creative writing teacher encouraged me to come)
mixed with Sylvia Plath wanna-bes and post beatnik beatniks. I was appalled
then too. There were, alas, a fare share of assholes. Can I use that word? But
I had expected a great loving gathering of writers interested in inner and
outer peace. Instead we were to quibble about rhyme and the use of repetition,
with passive-aggressive snubs being the most commonly employed tool for
conflict resolution. Like I said, I had unrealistic expectations. Which begs
the question: who was really the asshole? Still, I went, again and again. Which
brings me back to my first try at Facebook: within a month or two I decided to de-friend
and block almost everyone who had been drawn magnetically, magically, to my friend
list and started, quite slowly, all over again. I think I got the hang of it
after that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have, however, encouraged people to de-friend me. I
remember one situation in which a person sought me out for “friending”. We had
been childhood classmates, never what I would call friends. We graduated from
the same school. Our initial greetings on Facebook were enthusiastic. After a
few weeks she posted a plea under a rather mainstream news article I had posted
to “PLEASE STOP PUTTING POLITICS ON MY (her) PAGE!!!!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was nonplussed. I had to do little about
this incident however. My son and his wife leapt upon her overly capitalized
post with all the vehemence and snarling of mama bears (I wasn’t aware of how
closely my bodyguards travel to me) and all I had to do was politely encourage
her to de-friend me if she wanted no news of the world aside from saccharine
pictures of soon-to-be extinct animals in completely anthropomorphized
photographs. She did. De-friend me. I am sure we are both happier for it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That being said the other reasons I have blocked,
temporarily or permanently, members of my disparate and global little circle of
friends, have been the following: 1) Constant name calling in political
discussions 2.) Overly enthusiastic and numerous political campaign stances for
any side. 3) Obvious and constant unchecked insanity. Other than that I am
willing to be entertained by almost anything anyone wants to post. It’s better
than TV, which I haven’t watched in decades. It’s a relatively free world. Mindfully
speaking. I like knowing where other people stand on it. And on Facebook, as in
the world, everyone has a different idea about what is meaningful enough to
talk about, to represent and to be passionate enough to share.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But back to my old friend, and our original scenario: I
could not continue to argue with him. His spelling and rationale and rants were
so close to those of the people I work with in my work as a psychiatric social
worker I could only wonder what happened to him. What went wrong? How did you
end up where you are from where you started? You were bright and laughed often
and valued friendship and connection regardless of, or perhaps because of,
differences. I could not block. I just wanted to know what happened. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I asked. What happened to you? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He hasn’t answered yet. Maybe I’ve been blocked.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<i>This article originally appeared in the spring 2013 issue of "The Compass, A Mental Health Magazine"</i></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-83640118877537205232013-01-16T21:14:00.002-05:002013-01-16T21:14:30.804-05:00On the Question of Abstinence During Engagement: The Nature of Powerlessness in the Treatment and Coaching of those with Addiction Disorders
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5uTn7VLeZry25JmTjrQh3AuUeysVSknYAfUpX9Zp6a6Y-M9qXHds_hvYHlEpmolyUQFepj0ymReE9bxC5ivzzjJ6XMK7rg3QWDKAgWZb8dQym9QXY_6rsgWyJ5yut45ttUfUHMQI_GDk/s1600/IMG_0024.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5uTn7VLeZry25JmTjrQh3AuUeysVSknYAfUpX9Zp6a6Y-M9qXHds_hvYHlEpmolyUQFepj0ymReE9bxC5ivzzjJ6XMK7rg3QWDKAgWZb8dQym9QXY_6rsgWyJ5yut45ttUfUHMQI_GDk/s320/IMG_0024.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
While I see strengths in both the arguments for and against
strict abstinence during treatment for addiction, what I have witnessed over my
nearly thirty years in the mental health field, and would prefer not to
duplicate as a coach, is the exclusion of people who are actively displaying
the symptoms of the disorder with which they need help. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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In addition there is the often failed presumption that a
substance abuse professional is able to, or should, be able to detect when
someone is under the influence... either with their own assessment skills or by
forcing medical procedures on people to determine their level of use before
they can be treated for that use. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As an example of how much more powerful these addictions are
than the skills of even the best professional, I want to relate an experience I
recently had. A doctor had developed a long-term relationship with a patient
who came to him regularly at various stages in her struggle with her addiction.
He was convinced he could tell if she was inebriated or not. She claimed
short-term sobriety. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ultimately his
treatment plan depended upon whether or not she was under the influence. I was
called into the emergency room to do a mental health assessment, which I was
required to do only after her blood alcohol level was under the allowable
level, .08. The doctor told me he was convinced she had not been drinking, but
due to her history was agreeable to proceeding with a blood alcohol level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It turned out to be over .400.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I think a rigid insistence that someone only come to
sessions when they are free of substances may invite the kind of dishonest
engagement in treatment and/or coaching that is a large part of the kind of
negative counter-transference about addicts that turns what is more and more
understood as a brain disease into a moral and/or character flaw. While we
encourage addicts to admit to their powerlessness over their addiction, we
demand that they exercise power over it before we will listen to them or help
them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps we should reconsider this
rigid, even un-verifiable, standard and replace it with a more flexible one
that only requires that the client or consumer of our services be made the
responsible party and be able to tell us that he or she is “sober enough” to be
able to engage.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is important to me to remember that as much as we know it
is self-destructive to do so, many addicts use in order TO function. By the
time they are compelled to seek our assistance their brains and their bodies do
not know how to function without the substance to which they are addicted. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While a certain level of mental sobriety may
be necessary to constructively engage in order to make progress, it is
unrealistic to demand absolute sobriety from people who may, in fact, NEVER
truly be free of the addictive substances of choice at least during the stage
of the disease prior to active engagement and change. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At a certain point this becomes more a topic about treatment
for addictions than one about coaching. A coach probably would do best to
consider his or her own proficiency and confidence level in dealing with an
intractable, difficult-to-tame, illness of the brain and body chemistry. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Addiction can generally NOT be seen as, or
treated as, the much simpler matter of a choice, or a moral failure to choose.
Much current brain science indicates that in many addicts the urges, those
powerful inner voices that make compelling but irrational excuses for to use
again, are in fact nearly identical to what are called command hallucinations
in people with Schizophrenic disorders. In a related fact, the statistics show
that about 80% of those with addiction problems also have significant and
serious co-occurring mental health issues.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would encourage coaches to enter into this territory willingly;
because I believe a coaching approach can be tremendously effective, but also
cautiously and never alone. Make sure you have and make good use of a team of
doctors, substance abuse professionals and resources, as well as those who are
active in the recovery movement and groups like AA.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdb_S9jgN0ujoWm-FZeM_fpcFn7vHrksqgVJcsQl73OK16ayK7qUGEd8y6MkjizS_hVEubpCqQE7gKgUp9XqVJEt6vHBPF9fGpEijn464RK_RxMVujdJZguHUxqcT3Ds3dJo5cakrMoZk/s1600/IMG_0062.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdb_S9jgN0ujoWm-FZeM_fpcFn7vHrksqgVJcsQl73OK16ayK7qUGEd8y6MkjizS_hVEubpCqQE7gKgUp9XqVJEt6vHBPF9fGpEijn464RK_RxMVujdJZguHUxqcT3Ds3dJo5cakrMoZk/s320/IMG_0062.jpg" width="179" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-23310914560063036722012-12-09T13:36:00.001-05:002012-12-25T10:48:47.524-05:00And So This is Christmas: an Unbeliever's Guide to Believing<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii_irr4-ZaqRh4yE6-d5GwMldYwfIaQGyZIgIY1vRciIBJ1p4HCgB75HHCyLjXFBxtC2jD6QYDhD152ewXeL2J0227bVPshA2YMUW6xwCaLfvvzUZGZjOzO4khD71N6UdnxbN3mhlxcUo/s1600/IMG_0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii_irr4-ZaqRh4yE6-d5GwMldYwfIaQGyZIgIY1vRciIBJ1p4HCgB75HHCyLjXFBxtC2jD6QYDhD152ewXeL2J0227bVPshA2YMUW6xwCaLfvvzUZGZjOzO4khD71N6UdnxbN3mhlxcUo/s320/IMG_0001.jpg" width="179" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">And So This is Christmas: an
Unbeliever’s Guide to Believing<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s hard to write anything original about Christmas.
Holiday self-help advice gets about as original and moving as the countless bad
renditions of any number of holiday songs playing non-stop from the first of
November until the New Year.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So why am I compelled to offer it? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People try. It’s charming really, the effort made by
everyone from the smallest tot to those most advanced in the art of grand and
great-grand parenting, to observe the weeks called “The Holidays” with glee and
hope for renewal and connection. Why? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who really knows?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
it goes deep, even deeper than how many of the world’s spiritual traditions
invest those weeks around the North’s winter solstice with significance, doesn’t
it?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In reality the holidays aren’t easy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Often they aren’t nearly as fun as they are made out to be. Many
years we are left with the feeling that we have failed at the true test of the
holidays, failed at being “happy”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Holidays as they are promoted are like a giant pressure
cooker: the pressure to be happy, to spend what one may not have enough of…
money, time, love, friends, family…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the
pressure of the idiotic idea that material gifts can buy or even symbolize the
complicated and multifaceted nature of connection and love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fact is, however, that at a more deeply felt level there
can also be the pressure to put aside what may be the more realistic innate and
symbolic structure of the time of the year, the passing of precious time, the
losses, the introduction of the New. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This passage will happen even if we aren’t
ready for it and may not, at any conceivable level, be able to “afford” it, “afford”
to be somewhere New when what is Old seems to be slipping away or being taken
from us, even stolen. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We count what passes. People, homes, friendships, age,
health. What else? This is something that seems unavoidable as the world spins
and tilts us away from the light, and we get ready for the long stretch into
longer days, the growing season, the hope… the hope FOR hope. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We measure change. It is in our DNA; packaged in these
things we call holidays. And sometimes I think they have been almost completely
co-opted by a materialist perspective that tries ever so diligently to rob us
of our connection to the deeper meanings in the season, the sobriety of it, the
losses, the potential and its tentative hold on what we wish the newness will
grant us. The fact that the holiday’s truest visions have been so powerfully
denied only accentuates their power over us. In that propagandized denial of
the full range of the nature and meaning of the turning of the darkest darkness
to the gradual rebirth of the light, we are forced to deny our own inner
revolutions… the necessary changes of living.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even if we are fearful about what is ahead; even if we read
in the dreams of the turning of the world the coming of storms and droughts,
the potential for poor harvest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is easy to be led away from the truest observations of
the season through the propaganda of a hoarding mentality that gets reflected
in a make-believe over-abundance, a release of endorphins through a compulsive
purchase that shields us from very real trepidations that we are required to
feel to be fully human.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How do we rescue THAT? How do we rescue that when THAT is
the reason for the season, that teeter-totter balance between what we love the
most and what we fear losing the most or may have already lost? The yin-yang of
what is new and why it must come and that which must be left behind?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We may cut a tree down. We may take out the heirloom
ornaments and lights. We may contemplate each sparkling story as we hang it
from the tree. We may laugh with others, we may walk quickly into another room
to shed deep tears, we may hold on to whom ever stands near and feel the real
warmth of how we could not go forward into an unsure future without that
kindred heart beating… beating, beating….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All this empty buying! What does it signify actually? What
does it mean?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This season I think I will vote to suspend my disbelief in
the sacredness of the turning of the year and how this time of the year is the
most appropriate for that deep observation. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I will give in to all the tribal and even pre-tribal
wells of genetically imprinted deep knowledge that these darkest days have
always held for me and for my predecessors, the so-called primitive ancestry
that could not know that the great dragons and Manitous that lived in the
blustery winter sky were even more frightening than they could imagine, more
frightening in the reality of their random emergence and arrival; that they
could just as easily snuff out me and my entire world suddenly and too quickly
for that blinding flash to be seen by me or anyone like me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will believe in the season’s magic as if I had never used
a wheel or made a loaf of bread.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I resolve to reject happiness and joyfulness uninterrupted
or undefined by great sorrows and fears as anything honorable to be achieved,
as anything healthy, normal or human. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are a species of connection at the same time that we are
a race of lonely seekers. We live in a space of simultaneous opposites as a premier
fact of our phenomenology of being and always have. We are different enough from
one another that we require some ongoing and concrete recognition of our hard
won similarities in order to succeed as an organism on a similarly interwoven
galaxy of a planet full of other organic and inorganic forms that must live in
some kind of harmony, even through destruction by one of the other… the shit of
fear ripening and fertilizing the birth and sustenance the other’s hope. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We hold the spear of terror as we approach one another; we
grope for signals that we belong with one another, walking into the New Year
together. With food. With a drink of cool water.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, right now, we are woven tightly, ever more tightly,
into the drama of our miraculous planetary configurations. It was always so,
but as the ice unleashes astonishingly beautiful and terrible torrents of waters
due to the melting of our polar caps, as our most intricate and life-infused population
centers are threatened with inundation by the by-product of that great melt, we
cannot ignore how we are woven into this great miracle of chaos and order, all
at once interpretable, documented and at the same time completely
misunderstood, far out of our concrete grasp of understanding. Just as we have
only begun to understand our own brain’s workings, our planet and its cradle in
the slurry of space is only starting to be fathomed while it is simultaneously moving
into an era of the unfathomable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so this is Christmas. And what have you done?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I promise to make a study of remembering during this
solstice. To remember and work to allow tears and gratitude. To relax the
automatic tightening of the well of my throat that keeps the sobs from rising
up. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to miss those who I have loved who are no longer
here. I want to hold on to the visages of those who walk with me still...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>as they are and as they have been and may be.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want my gifts to always be in hand, those things that leap
from the soul to the soul and still know these metaphors do exist, these metaphors for the hot liquid core of why we remain a treasure. They exist even when
we are so completely inconsequential to the order of things as it moves on, as
it covers us in darkness, blinds us in dawn, as it grows incredible Sequoias
and fills the hot vents at the bottom of the sea with the soup of our
ancestors. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I want to laugh. It would good if you could join me.
Because no matter what lies before us, we are here now, and it is good.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-29967619593334701692012-11-25T11:07:00.000-05:002012-11-25T13:03:04.345-05:005 Things to Remember for Those Starting Coaching (and 5 more for Coaches)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;"><b>5 Things
to Remember for Those Starting Coaching, Therapy or Counseling (and 5 More
For Coaches, Counselors and Therapists)</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<u><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;"><i>For
Clients:</i><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">1) Have
some instructions for how best a coach or counselor should work with you. Write them down and take them with you for your first session. Know your learning style.
Have examples/anecdotes ready to illustrate this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">2) Ask about professional credentials, experience and client references.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">Ask
questions about them when you get them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">3) If the
coach/counselor insists on doing it his or her own way, find someone else. Give a professional at least two sessions if you think it may be workable in spite of misgivings
and only three if you continue to have serious doubts. Let them know you are
doing this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">4) Regardless
of the feeling content, much of your first session will be concerned with
creating a kind of business contract. Your job is to make sure your prospective
counselor/coach can fulfill their end of the contract. Have a time period in
mind or how many sessions you think will be necessary to accomplish your goals.
Avoid those who seem unable to make at least a preliminary plan for how long
you will be seeing them. You can always reset the goals and time at a later date.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">5) Never
let your fear of hurting someone's feelings prevent you from asking questions
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seems peripheral, or how anecdotes from their own life relate to the work you
are doing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;"><i>For
Coaches, Counselors and Therapists:<o:p></o:p></i></span></u></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">1) Listen
first, listen long, listen by asking for more and clearer information. Reflect
reflect reflect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">2) </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">Use silence as a friend to
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">3) Moving
into problem solving or advice-giving too soon does not work. In fact, I would
say advice-giving is rarely advisable and most effectively used only when sought
(even then, eliciting reflection about why advice is being sought may be more
effective) and rarely. If you are moved to give it without it being sought, ask
for permission first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">4) Be
aware of cultural norms and ways of communicating. Ask questions about cultural
norms before evaluating speech patterns and nonverbal communications according
to your own norms. It might be good to have a routine set of queries about cultural
norms as a part of your intake interview/s. Remember that your own norms,
regardless of how familiar you are with them, can remain so prevalent that they
are invisible to you. Differences in cultural communication norms are
innumerable and vary from family to family, neighborhood to neighborhood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt;">5) Be
patient and wait for indications of an entrance into spontaneous problem
solving initiated by the client. Amplify and build on that. </span><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-58708380671042115292012-10-28T13:11:00.000-04:002012-10-28T13:11:05.155-04:00Communication Styles and Family Systems, All a Matter of Every Day Business? How Coaching Can Improve Your Small Business<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvYFPCi1D8j6GnOauCVnvjcrf1FITa4FehjJIt0nQ51LOrjHtjELI5ov-TJoqcfFtjgO8XmrGlR3fHG0awcs25P_GLCSsohUj3rPNxFZodLdjpziRdk9c0kaC5kFglHV9tbRIgrovGeG0/s1600/IMG_0115.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvYFPCi1D8j6GnOauCVnvjcrf1FITa4FehjJIt0nQ51LOrjHtjELI5ov-TJoqcfFtjgO8XmrGlR3fHG0awcs25P_GLCSsohUj3rPNxFZodLdjpziRdk9c0kaC5kFglHV9tbRIgrovGeG0/s320/IMG_0115.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">A year ago I had the
great pleasure of working with the leadership team of a small, progressively
run, manufacturing company. The following is from an email response to a final
assessment I requested from the CEO. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">The primary goal, set
early in my preliminary work with the CEO, was to open and facilitate
communication between the four men on the leadership team. Our conversations
primarily revolved around improved communication flow and efficiency. Once
established and practiced by the leadership team the hope was that it would
“spill over” into the way communication was handled in the workplace in general.
We identified this workplace as a good place to work and do business, with a
great product and an efficient system of production and delivery. It was a good
company that wanted to be better. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">To the CEO the most
difficult aspect of running the workplace had become the varying interpersonal
styles of those involved. He was frustrated by how different personalities meshed
and created friction, impacting productivity and morale. The CEO ( who
preferred to remain anonymous for this presentation of our work together) often
repeated that he felt very competent in running the business end of the
operation, and he felt he had an excellent crew, but he felt out of his element
and his ability to be patient when it came to the interpersonal aspects of
problem-solving and interacting with his partners and workers. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">This is a family-owned
and run business, and the size of the workforce is also family-sized, so our
discussions often revolved around how family systems and small business systems
function similarly. It was made clear that the stress was on a self-improvement
strategy and NOT therapy. We worked on educating and empowering the leadership
team in ways to self-identify communication styles and how to more seamlessly
interact with those who have different ways of communication. We discussed
identifying how people inadvertently bring their own family roles into the
workplace, particularly in the unavoidable periods of increased stress and duress.
Basic systems theory as well as psycho-education about communication styles was
provided and integrated into our sessions to assist in making each person
responsible for self- identifying potential friction points. In this way each
person in the operation could become more adept at facilitating less problematic
communication in the shop as well as implementing ways to fold in
acknowledgement and incentive at all levels of the operation.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Another result of our
work was a more fine-tuned tool to define roles and job descriptions in all
levels of the operation. This was helpful in maintaining the informal and essentially
non-hierarchical nature of the vision the owners had about how their shop
should function by reinforcing and defining limits of roles and how they
interfaced and overlapped in the day-to-day functioning of the workplace. The
concrete result was a more practical and less subjective way of measuring
on-the-job performance and expectation.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">The aspect of this work
that was most satisfying, I think, was the degree of self-motivation and pride
I witnessed over the course of the year I worked with this company. I was also
proud to work for a leadership team that was so concerned with the whole-person
well-being of its workers. In spite of the CEO’s concern about his own feelings
of inadequacy in dealing with the interpersonal aspects of his company, his
desire was clearly focused on making his shop a pleasant and productive place
to work where everyone could feel like a productive and important part of the
whole operation. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS9ws1qnTvs-NbruBR3wBGHFHTuECEVmgtPqzU2ADKTGFTvzSDZIPKgGPb6wwKbHXWMA1fyqYDGdf2ERndAsSGEIIgOmCNQAdiav9mTjNEialpZfISjIT66UKAFYaw_MPFPIYvT4ZXLeU/s1600/IMG_0280.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS9ws1qnTvs-NbruBR3wBGHFHTuECEVmgtPqzU2ADKTGFTvzSDZIPKgGPb6wwKbHXWMA1fyqYDGdf2ERndAsSGEIIgOmCNQAdiav9mTjNEialpZfISjIT66UKAFYaw_MPFPIYvT4ZXLeU/s320/IMG_0280.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">“Bob--<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 21px;">-
I’m definitely glad that we went through the exercise of meeting with you
several times in order to better understand communication issues and how they
relate to our company on a day to day basis.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">-
As a direct result of working with you I have a much better understanding of my
own personal communication style and how it can positively and/or negatively
affect the success/outcome of any communication. My personal
communication style has changed some… it may have become even a bit more
direct as before, but also a bit more calculated and with a different tone if
possible and appropriate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">-
By the way, “YES” our first annual, formal and documented performance reviews
were conducted as a direct result of our working together. It seemed to
be the best way to convey to our employees that management believes that poor
communication is a problem at our company and often the root cause of
interpersonal relationship issues and conflicts. Though it took
most employees by surprise, when presented with specific instances and
examples, I think they kind of got the point. Furthermore, I can definitely
see a significant improvement in everyone’s efforts to communicate more/better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">-
The biggest most positive change by far, I see in my brother [<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a co-owner of the business and a co-member
of leadership and ownership team</i>]. Not necessarily from a communication
standpoint but more on a personal level. He appears to be more actively
engaged and interested in being part of the company’s ownership team and seems
to have grasped the concept that as long as he does something productive he
feels better about himself and as part of our operation. (Priceless)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">We
will continue to monitor and evaluate communication and will definitely call
upon your services if we deem it necessary to take additional steps to improve
communication within our plant or if poor communication continues to lead to
problem situations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Thanks
and Kind Regards…..”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-12065742499130531632012-10-20T13:14:00.001-04:002012-10-20T13:17:38.727-04:00Human Sexuality is Complicated<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/xXAoG8vAyzI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
Here's a great little video that, very quickly(!), reviews the nature, range, spectrum and overlaps between human sexuality, gender, intimacy and desire.Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-37777004017229997522012-10-14T12:34:00.001-04:002012-10-14T20:18:46.399-04:00<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmGhVjMkI-2zjoMhtXEDYbzNRaSa5BxCMsnGKINJK3VW9_Hb0yvdqO6T5r0CKvLlpdk1O9AEbvhVgs-7gg6P1RuYtoXSHrs5mnhBlizjdPBHpafwqECpd97UeCBzrcsJyK-WeALoRPx3s/s1600/IMG_0137.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmGhVjMkI-2zjoMhtXEDYbzNRaSa5BxCMsnGKINJK3VW9_Hb0yvdqO6T5r0CKvLlpdk1O9AEbvhVgs-7gg6P1RuYtoXSHrs5mnhBlizjdPBHpafwqECpd97UeCBzrcsJyK-WeALoRPx3s/s320/IMG_0137.jpg" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><b>The
Two-Sided Mirror: Healing From Deep Family System Wounds and Ongoing Sibling
Rivalry.</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
</span>
<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
</span>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">The
following is an e-mail exchange I recently had with a client of mine.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 21px;">The
struggle presented in the exhange is a common one: how to come to terms with the innate
and strong wish to have and maintain family relations while enduring the
ongoing, long-term results of damning and damaging family secrets and the
visceral memory of deeply felt childhood harm, even if only partially
remembered or not remembered at all.</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">I
thought it was informative and worth sharing here because of the common-ness of
such circumstances between siblings even, and perhaps especially, after the
death of both parents. It also asks and reviews many questions that are common
to those who struggle with life-long patterns of unresolved and hurtful sibling
rivalry:</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">What do I do if I
remember hurtful things from the family’s past and my siblings do not?</span></li>
<li style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 21px;"> What if my siblings
remember circumstances that involve me and I do not?</span></li>
<li><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 21px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;">How can I best cope with
sibling behaviors that seem to be a result of occurrences in the distant past,
especially if they deny those behaviors or claim they are my fault and a result
of my own unwillingness to come to terms with the past?</span></li>
<li><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 21px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;">When do I, and can I,
let it all go and recognize present behaviors on their own merits and refuse
participation in a damaging, hurtful, pattern of behavior? How do I do
this?</span></li>
<li><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 21px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;">How do I recognize when
I am re-entering the pattern of hurtful interactions and see the warning signs
so that my innate hope of reconciliation isn’t turned into co-dependency or
re-emergence of the patterns that result in the opening of old, deep wounds?</span></li>
<li><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 21px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;">If I can’t remember
specifics of how I was wounded how can I manage the unsettling and difficult
feelings my family members bring up in me? Is estrangement the only answer?</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">The
difficulty underlying all of these questions remains how to manage the competition
between the nature of the wish to cultivate and resolve family connection and
the equally strong defense mechanism that each of us possesses that wants to
keep us safe and loved, worthy, in our world and among our family. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Deep
wounds, and perhaps especially the ones that remain stubbornly half in and half
out of the box of secrets that we began to fill up and lock when we were very
very young, push to be realized and healed. We feel that push even if we do not
remember and cannot find the words to describe. Besides, we cannot use language
to describe what happens in the more primitive parts of our psyche that have no
language, just feeling. We assign guilt and responsibility according to how we
translate these occurrences into language, and therefore we often
misappropriate wholly or in part. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Perhaps
we no longer have the combination, or perhaps we unknowingly gave the key or
the combination to others in the family and they have forgotten where it is,
what the numbers are, or have other reasons, conscious or not, for with-holding
essential information from us. Many of those reasons may have everything to do
with their own methods of coping and strategizing their own healing and
defense. Unfortunately our manner and skill in actively participating in how
that healing can take place co-exists with the desire to bring our degree of
safety in the family configuration to the fore and make it work for us and for
the others whom we are connected to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Much
happens in the preverbal areas of the human brain. How to trust our ability to
interpret the messages we get from those netherlands? So much of how we
interpret our world happens in the parts of the brain that also devise and
implement ways to protect us from the dynamism that the pre-verbal areas want
to subject us to. We must be careful. We must be concrete in how we facilitate
the interaction between how we speak about and understand our childhood wounds
and how they are presented to us through the Escher-like vagaries of memories,
ours and those who share them with us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Most
of all, we must be as kind as we can while we proceed on our way toward fuller
integration of our childhood experience as it arises even unbidden and asks us
to understand it, as we continue to work to protect ourselves from further
harm. We must be kind to the others who share parts of this story, for while it
is unnecessary and not worthwhile to place ourselves back in the way of harm. We
can realize that they have almost certainly been harmed as well and as deeply.
Being a victim and a perpetrator are often, perhaps even usually, both sides of
the two-sided mirror. We must be kind to ourselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Names
in the following exchange have been changed. It is being used with permission.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">***</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Hi
Bob,</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Can
you tell me about if a child can have something bad done to them and not
remember it?? Does that really happen??? I made the horrible,
horrible mistake of giving siblings another chance to blow my life
apart. They didn't disappoint. Problem is I don't know
what's real or what's a lie anymore. It has taken a toll. Are
their ways to find out your own past?? Thank you!</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Truly,</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Molly</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">*</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Molly;</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Yes.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">It
might be best before you go forward to do some research about memory itself.
Maybe Google "Recent Brain science re: Memory"</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">The
jury's out whether it is of much use to "remember" those things that
appear to be forgotten. Every individual and every incident of childhood trauma
can be so different... one child is forever altered by the death of a dog and
another child manages the death of a sibling without a glitch. It is VERY
difficult to "remember" the specific details of otherwise forgotten
episodes of one's childhood.... and some trauma is less a specific event and
more the sustained behavior of powerful people around him or her.... so
that it may not be a specific incident of cruelty, abuse or neglect, but a
pattern of dealing or NOT dealing with the needs of the child. IE: a pattern in
a family culture that results in making taboo the discussion of traumatic
events that happened to everyone can be just as difficult in later years as
other more specifically harmful events... because of the pattern one devises to
manage those events. Patterns gets ingrained even after it is not useful and
even harmful.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Remember:
it is very difficult to give up on one's family. So giving them multiple
chances to rectify past patterns and harm is NORMAL... perhaps unavoidable (it
seems the mind tricks us into doing it even after we have made firm resolutions
to never let it happen again!) so go easy on yourself.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Is
that helpful?</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">***</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Yes,
it is very helpful. I did Google it and read some articles with
differing points of view. Considering what I've read
and... the sources of my questions, it seemingly confirms
that I will never know the truth. </span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">For
the past year, Jim & I knocked ourselves out for by brother Hank and
his wife Chris. All while driving back and forth to the Cancer Treatment
Center of America for Jim’s treatment. We painted, repaired, cleaned,
moved, installed....a multitude of physical duties. We brought him a lift
chair, a hospital bed, a standing wheelchair, etc...and a list of other things
to help them remain in their home. The second visit together Hank
poured out this seemingly heartfelt apology for all he put Linda, Larry
and I through <i>[Larry and Linda are Molly's children from a previous relationship --BV].</i> I just accepted his need to clear his conscience as this
stage in his life and I really enjoyed puttering around with him and fixing
things for him and giving him some peace of mind. His ability to
walk is lost, his ability to transfer himself was greatly diminished last I saw
him. Chris seemed o.k. around us. She seemed to make the effort and we
just tried to be respectful and not rock her boat. But from the
beginning, Jerry <i>[a son adopted by Molly and Jim --BV]</i> seemed to follow her (almost obsessively so) while we were
there. (In retrospect, we should have realized his signs of being on
point....Lord knows we've seen him do it before.) Then one Sunday
night while I was still struggling to wrap things up at 9pm and head
home, Hank didn't want me driving late, he was worried about my
safety, etc. So I was going to stay and we sat there visiting together
and he proceeded to tell me how Chris hated me and it was all an
act. He went on to tell me that she "made a big deal" around
the boys, but trashed them to others....etc. I was stunned. I was
there alone and it was my worst fear being realized. I began to
panic. She had gone to bed, but I just didn't know what to do. He
just kept going on and proceeded to tell me all the things that were wrong
about me. They were stunning. He was so cranked up I
just tried to keep calm. By midnight I told him that I decided
to just head home. Then he really went nuts. I stayed calm, calm
and steady, but my head was spinning. I got my tools and played
like everything was o.k. I left and called Jim and woke him up. I
drove the 5 hours home. I never went back, but I did stay in touch on the
phone and online until we received a photo of our boys that Chris had sent on
to Larry's biological Dad and his wife. I didn't have to pop a
vein, Jim did. We decided what we were going to do about it and I was the
one chosen to deliver our decision to Hank. He went ballistic.
He sent a letter (that I did NOT read). Jim intercepted it and I honestly
did not read it. Jim handled it with Hank from that point on. He
told him that his family was off limits, that he would not stand for any
further harm inflicted on me and never would Larry and Jerry know this
kind of behavior in their lives. He told him to stay away from all
of us, including Linda. All our social media was all closed off to them
at that point. Jim told him if there was another contact, letter,
call, harassment of any kind, he would be calling the police. He
told Hank that HE was stopping it. I am grateful for that, I didn't
have it in me anymore. At the time, Linda's wedding was upon us and
it really cast a shadow over a part of it for all of us. But I kept
going.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Problem
was that Jim did tell me (in a moment of non-thinking...) a couple comments
that Hank had said to him. It's almost as if the poison
continues to seep into my life. He made accusations of someone
abusing me. (My brother David implied that in a fight with my
parents many years ago too.) Since neither of them knows anything
about my personal life, they couldn't know my own thoughts. I've never
spoken them out loud to anyone. I've thought about it all a great
deal in the past few months and especially after reading these articles, I
don't know that I believe what they are saying, but I also don't believe there
is any reliable way to find out. </span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Do
you have any thoughts on "Soul Retrieval"? </span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">I
won't lie to you. I have scared myself a few times in the past
couple months. Then a good friend of mine took his own life.
It made me realize I better get my shit together. But it seems that
who I thought I was and who I really am may be miles apart. I know
that my siblings words created that doubt and there are some
"coincidences" that seem too close to be ignored. </span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Anyway.
Enough of my babbling, I know you already know my family dysfunction.
I've probably put you solidly to sleep....snoring in fact.
LOL! Just trying to find my way through all this. </span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">*</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">This
sounds so familiar. I am sorry for you but also admire your continuing efforts
to try to make your brother's life more live able.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">I
think it's important to remember that just because you may not remember
specifics of any abuse you may have suffered does not mean it never happened.
SOMETHING happened. You live with that legacy... and in some ways so do your
brothers, whether they were victims or perpetrators or both. Sibling rivalry in
families with toxic secrets is fierce and life long. In my business we would be
fools if we refused to treat people for symptoms of PTSD just because there is
no substantiated history. The symptoms are and should be enough. Of course,
most victims of such secrets are stuck with the de-legitimizing forces that are
extremely strong and alive (even if the perpetrators aren't)... the feeling
that there must be proof is undeniable and sometimes crushing. Can you let go
of that part and focus on taking care of yourself while you continue the fine
work you are doing to stop and change the legacy? Most of these things
are multigenerational.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Great
that Jim has been so strong for you... sounds like he really came through. Very
very cool.</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment--></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-23903069345539471822012-09-07T17:59:00.000-04:002012-09-07T17:59:07.699-04:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'; font-size: medium;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'; font-size: medium;">... the problem arises when one's words are significantly
divergent from one's actions... if the space between the two is too wide,
pathology is born both on an individual and collective level. This is the space of the birthplace of
neuroses that can grow into insanity. It is the seedbed of propaganda and
tyranny... not to mention good old-fashioned lies. Add charisma to the picture, the ability to
convince others and one's own conviction that the wide space between one's
words and deeds is non-existent, and what do you get? Manipulative anti-social
dystopia or serious personality disorder…. a collective ruled by the insane.<b style="color: #007f7f; font-style: italic;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'; font-size: medium;">
<!--EndFragment--></span>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-12217637424016085292012-01-29T09:46:00.003-05:002012-01-29T09:54:18.818-05:00Your Own Permanent Revolution<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIyOsSHvs5NQ53EETfRkgB-nrPko6tVJTWnk9oMtA9ASasdKj2fBJJtQYVpKakqbDF4q2KVltvmmkbv1yBqw_qABd91JsUdjksdmUsR3quip5b1K8sOt5YTFxeirLB57jNmPWapuDxWUw/s1600/DSC02132.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIyOsSHvs5NQ53EETfRkgB-nrPko6tVJTWnk9oMtA9ASasdKj2fBJJtQYVpKakqbDF4q2KVltvmmkbv1yBqw_qABd91JsUdjksdmUsR3quip5b1K8sOt5YTFxeirLB57jNmPWapuDxWUw/s400/DSC02132.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5703066971587449010" /></a><br /> <!--[if gte mso 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class="MsoNoSpacing">Make a pig a cow.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">Turn water into stories and orchids.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Bring the children to the mountain <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">and make them sing.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Believe what cannot be built.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Forever is longer than you have.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Count your feelings to the moon.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Leave the last hummingbird in the thistle.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">Deport the calendars of the empty rich.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">All the moss will be your bed.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">America will turn into snow<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">and you will not be able to see your street</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">from your window.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Eat something you have saved.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Save something you can eat.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Make sure the seeds are as protected</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">as the gold. Break the banks</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">with bread. Imagine all the lines and blueprints<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">disorganized and lost to their centers<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">and their expected order.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">Tell someone you are lost too;</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">do it over and over until, like last night,<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">the shining crescent cups <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">a billion flights: you are here and you</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">are there. Believe you can believe</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">and kick the pirates out<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">until they have nothing but their hearts <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">on the plate of hunger and of love.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">Make a forest a clean winnowing harvest</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">as it is, doing nothing to disturb<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">the minutes of its wind and the turn<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">of its breath to the moon. Ah</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">the moon again.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Take a minute, in the snow, <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">to locate that light. The revolution<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">has never been gone.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">You are standing on it.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">It turns in you, under a wheel of dreams<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">through the tumble in the rivers of vacuums,<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">galaxies and the first nebula</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">of the primary star.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Your mother is there<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">and your twin. Carry the signs<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">of revolution as if it never stops</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">because it never does.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <!--EndFragment--><p></p> <!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-48368538415412381062011-11-13T14:20:00.008-05:002011-11-13T16:12:41.876-05:00From Life and Death Motivation to Joy: Changing Diet, Changing Life<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikW5oWUZ8TN65-kRu6ieTluKfTxfu97158OvA1wx_QrNLxnfTwqeqxqghqcbCBez5sNKXVmqKkwZu_AZpdSgBaDeXDC3saakHLqkrtfFSDMnyKboYD-PrRLncAcBcrP6zv8D7EnTcbrm0/s1600/IMG_0236.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 180px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikW5oWUZ8TN65-kRu6ieTluKfTxfu97158OvA1wx_QrNLxnfTwqeqxqghqcbCBez5sNKXVmqKkwZu_AZpdSgBaDeXDC3saakHLqkrtfFSDMnyKboYD-PrRLncAcBcrP6zv8D7EnTcbrm0/s320/IMG_0236.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5674564544358639938" /></a><br /><b><i>I recently recieved the following letter from a reader. 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</xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">Hi Bob Vance,</p><p class="MsoNormal">I was reading your blog today and wonder you could give me an opinion on a diet/fitness app I'm making right now?</p><p class="MsoNormal">For me, I think the problem with being healthy is motivation. It's an abstract, overwhelming goal. I think the best way to counter this is to have concrete, winnable games and small victories.</p><p class="MsoNormal">So, this app will makes living healthy, and fitness into a RPG game, where users earn points, and "level up' as they achieve their goals. Every time they eat something healthy like vegetables, they earn points. Every time they complete a workout, they earn points. Each level will present different challenges.</p><p class="MsoNormal">The challenges will follow a certain structure. First will come changing your environment such as getting rid of junk food. Then, reducing stress, as stress leads to eating comfort food. Then concrete goals like keeping track of everything you eat, or taking the stairs for a week. Small, concrete goals rather than abstract ones like “be healthy” or “exercise more”.</p><p class="MsoNormal">The whole point is to create a holistic framework/game so people will rely less on willpower, and more on fun, achievement, and changing our environment</p><p class="MsoNormal">What's your opinion on this idea? Would you want to know when I'm done with it? If this sounds too silly, or absurd, just ignore what I just said, hehe =)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p>Best, Christine</p><p class="MsoNormal">***</p><p class="MsoNormal">Christine;</p><p class="MsoNormal">I appreciate your thinking of me for feedback on this project. It is interesting to be approached about this at this time in my life. In the past six months I have lost over 25 pounds. It has not seemed that difficult to do, even though I have worked on keeping my weight down for years, actually since I quit smoking over 27 years ago. Your query got me thinking about why it has seemed so much easier to change my relationship to food now than it has in the past.</p><p class="MsoNormal">I’ve never been horribly over weight and I have exercised regularly and vigorously for almost forty years. I carried my extra pounds quite well, but have known for many years that my family carries a kind of genetic cardiovascular predisposition for early illness and death. Both of my grandfathers died before they were 60. My mother died at 68.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So I thought, rightly, that I had to try to get ahead of this issue while I had time. So far so good… until this past spring, when two days after my 57<sup>th</sup> birthday, while I was swimming my 1.5 mile lap routine, I developed an unusual pain in my chest and back that later that day sent me to the hospital.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Without going into a time consuming and overly detailed account of my heart attack (the result of a clot in my “widow maker” artery that was held back from a deadly course by two peaks of arterial plaque, but still blocked blood flow while I was exercising), I think, for me, your idea that the main obstacle toward developing better health and diet patterns is motivation is right on. That I survived a potentially fatal heart attack (and did so, according to my cardiologists, because I exercised and worked on diet) is, it occurs to me, the only motivation I’ve needed to fine tune my diet, lose the extra weight and improve my overall cardiovascular health as I go into my older age. The motivation I feel is a matter of believing, viscerally, that I MUST improve my diet, that I have no real choices if I want to stay alive. This has worked, so far for me (and really, with no real 100% assurances) because it is everything I can do.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Duplicating this kind of motivation for others who are not confronted so concretely with their mortality seems to me to be the kind of question you are dealing with. You are working on a formula that maneuvers people into flicking the switch of a kind of motivation that takes advantage of their knowledge of the importance of their diet and exercise in very deep and essential ways.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Beyond haranguing people who really do not have a concrete perspective concerning the nature of their own mortality… and haranguing people about the benefits of diet and the negatives of overeating I think usually only creates more motivation to continue to over eat… how can you engage their intellectual understanding of the need for weight loss and over all good health habits in a way that it creates a deeper sensory based motivation toward better diet, weight loss and health?</p><p class="MsoNormal">I think your idea about creating a system of small steps and rewards is a good one. And I think focusing on making it fun, in one way or another, is a good inclination. That being said, I also think you should consider enlarging the scope of what that means to the wide variety of people to whom you want to offer your program.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal">If you have a good understanding of the nature of individuation, you must also understand that each of your clients will need to be involved in the invention of their own system of steps and rewards, as well as, and perhaps most importantly, in the uncovering of their own particular keys to the kind of motivation that is necessary to make the changes that they have to make. How uncover each client’s will to change? How to help each client understand that their urge to be healthier is indeed a life or death process?</p><p class="MsoNormal">So my next question would be: How can you help your clients uncover their, very serious, will to lose weight and be healthier all while integrating their individual program with the also very serious but more ‘fun’ reasons they want to stay alive? What do they love about life that makes this such a serious “mission”? Each person’s answers may be different, but without integrating that passion for living into the reasons for wanting to be healthier in whatever way shape or form it occurs in each individual life, I doubt that it will be possible to find and add the weight of the motivation needed to make the changes that they want to make. And they really must be ready to find those reasons, make that change and do the work themselves.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Also: For me food is a one of those joys of living. I don’t doubt that I am in rather good and crowded company. Eating is fun and gratifying. It is a social adhesive and a daily reward for the trials of each hour of living. It adds spice to love and succor to sadness. Without recognizing that and including it in a diet and health plan I doubt that I, personally, would get anywhere. How can we integrate someone’s love of food into his or her motivation for needing to have less of it? When does wanting food change from a simple daily joy into an addiction? Is there a concretely defined line between joy and addiction, and if so how do we help clients find it for themselves? If there are only shades of grey, how do we help our clients find their own place of comfort and health in that fog?</p><p class="MsoNormal">So yes: go on with your program of short term goals and rewards, but I would ask that your process include giving most of the responsibility for inventing those goals, steps, rewards and the nature of their motivation toward change to your client. Have a menu, so to speak, of choices plus give them plenty of space and facilitation to discover their own choices. Have your framework ready (it already sounds like you have a good start on that) and facilitate your clients’ exploration of it and help them fill in the details of the tasks that lie ahead.</p><p class="MsoNormal">I hope this helps. You might do some research and reading in the area of Motivational Interviewing, a technique for facilitating behavioral change pioneered by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professor">Professor</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_R._Miller_(psychologist)">William R Miller</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ph.D.">Ph.D.</a> and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professor">Professor</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Rollnick">Stephen Rollnick</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ph.D.">Ph.D.</a>. There’s a lot of information on the Internet, and training modules and courses available. It’s a non-intrusive, non-confrontational method of interviewing and counseling that gives responsibility for change to the client through exploring their roadblocks and stagnating ambivalences. You might find it a good companion to your work.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment--></div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-25501988354285093112011-06-12T11:24:00.003-04:002011-06-12T23:30:12.761-04:00When the Norm becomes Sin<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8od89Q-MRzWvkoiQo3E4U3uvnGucvJlEykkwZTg_WlC_OvNIZJwnGEBHJnoDvDxscJv5IWyBIhRywYmy0uytWaasEwJ-r3NhcWlXh3yU7dbGQwqjhc72w6H1JMu2CwvMKHuEzuz6XbKQ/s1600/IMG_0230.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 180px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8od89Q-MRzWvkoiQo3E4U3uvnGucvJlEykkwZTg_WlC_OvNIZJwnGEBHJnoDvDxscJv5IWyBIhRywYmy0uytWaasEwJ-r3NhcWlXh3yU7dbGQwqjhc72w6H1JMu2CwvMKHuEzuz6XbKQ/s320/IMG_0230.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5617357001756251170" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">I am perplexed by the cultural habit of making something a sizeable proportion of the population does into sin. What part of who we are as individuals and as a culture demands that we continually pillory the very same people we set up to be our heroes and models and those who speak for us? Why are we so obsessed with behaviors that are common, a product of a wide range of personal preferences and, if done between consenting adults, harmless? Why are we less upset, even entertained, by footage of the bombing of cities than we are of some guy’s home movies of his underwear?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The Internet is full of video clips and picture-sharing opportunities. That we would expect people NOT to share sexually related information, tastes and titillations, with each other at least as much as they share the latest popular song, the inane circumstances and happenings in family and social relations, political agreements, arguments and passions, pictures of hopelessly cute children and pets, and too many people singing badly to count, is befuddling. Beyond some confused and conflicted, self-hating, shame about our own desires.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Sexual chat and sexual variety, real and virtual (can they be reasonably expected to be distinguished from one another? at least in terms of how the internet is a reflection of our concerns and what we think about?) are a normal and generally motivating part of life. As long as it does not interfere drastically with one's day-to-day survival and the respect for others that is a given in civil society(and often sex enhances survival in whatever form it is expressed) sex SHOULD in fact be sought after. The pathology is with and in those who are constantly working to repress and disappear their own and others' urges for sexual connection... because it doesn't usually work very well, and, as we have ample evidence, it is generally dishonest.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The ugliest part of these overly examined celebrity sex-bashing news cycles is in the nature of the mob mentality with which they are pursued, regardless of how intellectual some of the stone throwers may hope to sound. They are still throwing stones, and if the statistics and Internet content represent any truer picture of what we think about, lust after, and wish to do if only in our fantasy life, the houses they throw from are glass.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The cultural predilection for demonizing normal behavior is self-defeating, but worse it also assures that the collective "we" will always be able to be led over any cliff of public attention or lack of it that is handy when other, more heinous, collective behaviors, deserve our attention and our action. Can we really care that much about a fella's wiener in his tighty-whiteys? I mean, I am more concerned about those who are pre-occupied with puritanical and unmaintainable standards of pathological morality than those who display their goods to someone who asked to see them.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">And as far as the lies are concerned: if the thought of being forced to be tied to the burn pile of public attention isn't enough to force such untruths, then the internalized shame such a pathological cultural approach to expressions of sexuality would be entirely expected. More Stones. More glass houses.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">In the end, who cares? In the end, the sex other people have or don’t have is as inane as wedding pictures, or the ten-year-old’s first tap dance, at least to those who did not attend and/or have no personal connection to them.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">In the end, how can we expect to find people who can authentically represent us and our hopes and dreams for this nation if we constantly tar and feather them for the acts we ourselves have indulged, fantasized, and frightened ourselves with? What is the force behind the velocity and anger with which we aim the stones that we throw? Do we really wish to turn our representative bodies and the lives of our cultural heroes into sterile, passionless and abnormally sexually single-focused Stepford droids?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Just as vehement gay-haters are often most likely to struggle with their deeply felt and deeply unresolved tenderness toward those of the same sex, so must our angst and rage at those who would post pictures of their parts and talk about their titillations be invested with our own shame and denial about our desires and repressions.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-6762060380761261462011-02-06T10:40:00.005-05:002011-02-06T10:50:17.156-05:00The Complexity of Creative People<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPeHUkdtD3AR2j-uj8xAmpuHllervuxxWdzhuhuumOzVqsXD6D2odyoVVH83nnrdJyMpcZIyXg4r3i6zEY2sjtc0zc1YKEzl9IbXJWdxrfPy0aniB5dgLuwTemsbd6oxI7AIGUn1ClD0U/s1600/005.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5570603614138371586" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPeHUkdtD3AR2j-uj8xAmpuHllervuxxWdzhuhuumOzVqsXD6D2odyoVVH83nnrdJyMpcZIyXg4r3i6zEY2sjtc0zc1YKEzl9IbXJWdxrfPy0aniB5dgLuwTemsbd6oxI7AIGUn1ClD0U/s200/005.JPG" /></a><br /><div><br /><a title="Permanent Link: The Complexity of the Creative Personality" href="http://blogs.psychcentral.com/creative-mind/2011/02/the-complexity-of-the-creative-personality/" rel="bookmark">The Complexity of the Creative Personality</a>By Douglas Eby </div><br /><div><br />Creativity researcher Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi includes descriptions of the multiple characteristics of creative people.</div><br /><div>In a post of hers, Juliet Bruce, Ph.D. notes that Csikszentmihalyi wrote, “If there is one word that makes creative people different from others, it is the word complexity. Instead of being an individual, they are a multitude.”</div><br /><div>“Like the color white that includes all colors, they tend to bring together the entire range of human possibilities within themselves. Creativity allows for paradox, light, shadow, inconsistency, even chaos –and creative people experience both extremes with equal intensity.”<br /></div><div>Here are a few qualities he lists, as Bruce summarizes:</div><br /><div>1) A great deal of physical energy alternating with a great need for quiet and rest.<br />2) Highly sexual, yet often celibate, especially when working. </div><div>3) Smart and naïve at the same time. A mix of wisdom and childishness. Emotional immaturity along with the deepest insights. </div><div>4) Convergent (rational, left brain, sound judgment) and divergent (intuitive, right brain, visionary) thinking… </div><div>5) Both extroverted and introverted, needing people and solitude equally. </div><div>6) Humble and proud, both painfully self-doubting and wildly self-confident. </div><div>7) May defy gender stereotypes, and are likely to have not only the strengths of their own gender but those of the other as well. A kind of psychic androgyny. </div><br /><div>For more, see her post <a href="http://livingstory-ny.blogspot.com/2011/01/understanding-creative-people.html" target="_blank">Understanding Creative People</a> – and Csikszentmihalyi’s classic book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060928204/talentdevelopmen" target="_blank">Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention</a>.</div><br /><div>Do you relate to any of these qualities?</div><br /><div>One of these intriguing areas is androgyny. </div><div> </div><div>Tilda Swinton won an oscar for her role in “Michael Clayton.” Part of her power as an actor and many of her characters is in their androgynous looks and energies. Swinton has said she is fascinated by the question, “How do we identify ourselves, and how do we settle into other people’s expectations for our identity?” She once commented she is “very often referred to as ‘Sir’ in elevators and such” and that it “has to do with being this tall and not wearing much lipstick. I think people just can’t imagine I’d be a woman if I look like this.”</div><br /><div>But androgyny is more than appearance. Kathleen Noble, PhD, a professor and psychotherapist who works with many gifted clients, said in our <a href="http://talentdevelop.com/interviews/KNoble.html" target="_blank">interview</a>, “Gifted women tend to be highly androgynous… they tend to combine qualities that we tend to ascribe to both genders.</div><br /><div>“So for instance, you get women who are highly sensitive and highly empathic and compassionate (which are all components of psychic ability), combined with high energy and high drive, high independence and autonomy, which are qualities that the culture rewards in men but not in women.”</div><br /><div>Ellen Winner comments in her book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0465017592?tag=talentdevelopmen&link_code=as3&creativeASIN=0465017592&creative=373489&camp=211189" target="_blank">Gifted Children: Myths and Realities</a>, “Perhaps because gifted children reject mainstream values, they reject gender-stereotyped traits as well. … Csikszentmihalyi’s talented females scored highly on achievement motivation and dominance, two traits associated with males, and rejected traditional feminine values such as neatness.<br />“The gifted boys in his study scored highly on measures of sensitivity and aesthetic values, two traits typically associated with females, and rejected the stereotypical male trait of bravado.” [Winner was referring to his book: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0521574633?tag=talentdevelopmen&link_code=as3&creativeASIN=0521574633&creative=373489&camp=211189" target="_blank">Talented Teenagers : The Roots of Success and Failure</a>.]</div><br /><div>Perhaps consciously expanding boundaries such as gender stereotypes can help people be more creatively expressive.<br /><br /><em>Douglas Eby, MA/Psychology, is a writer and researcher on the psychology of creative expression and personal growth. He is author of the </em><a href="http://talentdevelop.com/"><em>Talent Development Resources</em></a><em> series of sites. Also see his </em><a href="http://facebook.com/TalentDevelop"><em>Facebook</em></a><em> and </em><a href="http://twitter.com/talentdevelop"><em>Twitter</em></a><em> pages.</em></div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-74228580493248318312011-01-09T22:07:00.003-05:002011-01-10T07:06:08.138-05:00The Search for the Authentic Voice<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIExOVRDopXJ-tnvcN9E8XG3Hh-bYW0PK1cnG09FuiQVpxj3kbvZvaibtLD6vl7u5gKBYKOa1L4wZqfXXOVKpUjv0ysz30rneUy9P7zcVwLHjZwCrPkkTTrVpO4arGQxUuQ3d_EelhVV0/s1600/DSC02608.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560390273362358514" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIExOVRDopXJ-tnvcN9E8XG3Hh-bYW0PK1cnG09FuiQVpxj3kbvZvaibtLD6vl7u5gKBYKOa1L4wZqfXXOVKpUjv0ysz30rneUy9P7zcVwLHjZwCrPkkTTrVpO4arGQxUuQ3d_EelhVV0/s400/DSC02608.JPG" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;"><em>“Your silence today is a pond where drowned things live<br />I want to see raised dripping and brought into the sun.<br />It is not my own face I see there, but other faces,<br />even your face at another age.<br />Whatever’s lost there is needed by both of us—”<br /><br />-- Adrienne Rich<br /></em><br /></span><br />In the arts the idea of voice and “style” as highly individuated and highly sought after aspects of the creative process, and the product of that process, is paramount. One is expected to seek out and grow into one’s “voice” through a variety of approaches that are numerous and almost as difficult to pin point as the nature and attributes of that voice itself. The emergence of that voice or style as a recognizable attribute of one’s creative work is the evidence of what is real and accessible as it becomes an artistic experience that moves and transforms. It is in the making of one’s voice accessible to others that one’s voice can be transformed into art, a poem, a style of acting and singing or writing. Even this is a difficult and hard-to-pin-down process of self discovery within rules and directions that are almost completely reliant on the artists’ vision and honesty about how that vision is rendered.<br /><br />In the helping professions, in work that is defined by verbal communication as its major tool, finding the authentic voice involves a similar process. We learn a variety of approaches and theories with which we hope to use to approach certain tasks of eliciting and/or imparting information to our “audience”, our clients and patients. Often the information we deal in, the stuff of our interactions, is of an essential, highly intimate and at best only partially discovered nature. We are given the authority and the responsibility of creating spaces for change and development in partnership with those who come to us for help through how we listen and how we speak about what we hear.<br /><br />Just as the search for and maintenance of the authentic voice or style of an artist involves constant self-evaluation and observation of a full spectrum of aspects of the creative process, the ability of the helping professional to engage in listening and dialogue toward change and discovery is also charged with the responsibility of coming from some center of the authentic. Regardless of one’s proficiency in any number of communication and therapeutic techniques, the inability to engage genuinely with clients and patients will sabotage progress. The ability to authentically and somewhat fearlessly enter intimate relationship is the thing. Everything else can only become productive after the basis for real caring and trust has been established and can be maintained.<br /><br />This may appear to be somewhat elementary. Trust-building and rapport are universally accepted, and perhaps taken for granted, as the foundation in most therapeutic and professional helping relationships. But while they are expected to exist, their nature and the skill of the caregiver to imbue them with the ability to tap into an authentic, deep and productive caring, without crossing over and sabotaging the process by crashing through professional and personal boundaries, remains less explored.<br /><br />It is the nature of the authentic voice of trust and connection we are most interested in… the rather less-that-definable nature of communicating true concern and empathy from the heart of where it lives in oneself. I propose that this is the real work for any helping professional, and that without it active listening, support and guidance through change are at best a sluggish possibility if not impossible.<br /><br />We’ve all been subjected to office and professional personnel, in any number of professional capacities in which we are the consumer, whose chosen manner of communicating concern and care is parental, patron- or matronizing, sometimes to such an extreme degree that we are automatically offended or alienated. In care scenarios in which our personal, emotional and often intimate physical well-being is being explored, our responses to this “style” might range from weary tolerance to open disdain. In any case, the lack of ability in which the helping professional has been able to convey an authentic concern, coupled with a solid area-specific skill set and aptitude, immediately affects our ability to enter into an honest exchange of information that lubricates and is essential to the dialogue that must take place in order that we get the best care and attention possible.<br /><br />Missteps in communication by helping professionals are not often as apparent as this example. It is possible that many of the mistakes made are even more damaging but less immediately apparent. Tone of voice, pacing, ability to read the nature and preferences of the client’s own styles of communication in relationship to how they are best served through conversation are all important aspects of how to establish an authentic voice as a professional in a helping role. Measuring and assessing the various balances of need in these areas, while one is in the middle of establishing and taking care of a genuine trusting relationship, are among the most difficult and creative aspects of the process of building a productive therapeutic helping relationship. Skill and getting the information necessary to make good judgments in these areas are often a matter of practice and simply asking for the information one needs from the client or patient in question. But perhaps more essential, and most complicated, is the ability of the professional to access and use his or her real self, the authentic voice, both symbolically and literally.<br /><br />Simple enough: as long as the professional is familiar with and knows what that true voice sounds like. If we consider that finding one’s authentic voice is much, much more than hearing the music and meaning of what comes out our mouths and what does not, and exists more along the lines of a deeper search and maintenance of a familiarity with oneself, at a very primary level, then we begin to recognize the true complexity of how to convey our connection to those who come to us for assistance in our role as helper.<br /><br />And this isn’t about self-disclosure, or at least it is not about disclosing the facts and minutiae of our lives to those to whom we are entrusted to assist in any number of ways. While a certain amount of self-disclosure is probably in order depending on individual circumstances and professional roles, too much information disclosed about oneself could be a mistaken attempt to provide authentic connection that can and should be established in some other way. This can damage or short circuit your client or patient’s will to engage productively.<br /><br />Remember, in many cases, your authenticity will encourage them to see you in the way that they need to in order that you can help them. Too much specific information prevents that from happening and does nothing to further the therapeutic alliance that is so essential. So much of how we establish firmly genuine professional interactional relations has so little to do with what we say and more about how and what we can elicit from our clients and patients out of their conviction that we are worthy of their trust. We can only be successful in this task if we are perceived to be coming from a place of truth and genuine non-judgmental concern for their well-being.<br /><br />So how do we show our true selves to those who come to us for expertise, guidance and support? What is this process of discovery and maintenance of our authentic voice? Where do we start, and more, what will it look like as we are able to build a certain amount of skill? Are we somewhere along the path already? How do we open that pocket of genuine empathy and dole it out naturally and care-fully, all in the service of those who come to us for our expertise and support and as a catharsis toward their own change?<br /><br />Here are some questions that might be helpful in that process of self discovery and “authenticity maintenance”. There are no right or wrong answers. These questions are provided as a tool for self evaluation and a way to explore and meditate on the location and creative disclosure of authentic voice.<br /><br /><br />1) Think of a professional, someone who helped you whom you hold in very high regard. Name five of their non verbal attributes that you were fond of or that helped you decide to trust them.<br />2) How comfortable are you with non-sexual intimacy in your own life? How does that translate to your professional life?<br />3) How do you speak about your clients and patients with other professionals in your field? How is it different from how you speak to your clients and patients? How do you rationalize any differences?<br />4) When talking about presenting your authentic self to your clients and patients what parts of your real self, which emotions and feelings, feel most vulnerable? How do you respond to clients and patients who express those same emotions and feelings?<br />5) In your life what has been the best response to you when you have been in great pain, grief or confusion?<br />6) In what situations have you felt you have been able to speak in a way that represented most who you are as a person and what is most important to you? What was the outcome? What created that opportunity?<br />7) When conversing with others what cues do you notice that say you have a person’s attention and concern? What cues say you have lost their attention and concern?<br />8) What kind of range of expression, from sadness to laughter, anger to joy, do you employ in your relationships with your clients and patients? What kind of a range do you think represents the authentic voice as we are speaking of it?<br />9) What practice do you employ to exercise and strengthen your ability to have and maintain authenticity-based relationships with your patients and clients? If you do not have one, where will you begin to look to find one? How will you know it is working?<br />10) Name five ways you can practice increasing your skills in accessing and maintaining your authentic voice.<br /><br /><br />Finding, developing and taking care of the authentic voice is a deep and creative process of unending discovery and uncovering, not unlike the one a painter or poet goes through to locate, translate and present central themes of their selves in the world. Our wish, as helping professionals, is to similarly make our selves accessible and in-common to others who have come to us for support and guidance and even a kind of love.<br /><br />As the poet Adrienne Rich says in one of her Twenty One Love Poems, from her book “Dream of a Common Language”, our authenticity is the one way we have at our disposal to ask our clients and patients the same question they ask us, “…show me what I can do for you, who have made the unnameable nameable for others, even for me.”</div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-89087225660098531652010-11-20T11:45:00.008-05:002010-11-23T07:56:41.025-05:00On Meetings: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly (but Mostly the Good): Ten Ways to Make Your Meetings Succeed<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrlHieyzJ7hCRzLfIEE60FoMKnn5AkzeSkHG-9MkgXKT2BjsdG7JPdAiJbY_f3Vg5Y6HYbozCYmnITz9PArF7ZE_oxSzdipj9AhPcais2UF0FfbVzlwdBrTFTRISRfKoAdwjjEm1whejk/s1600/LaborDayChicago+151.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 150px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541676507580607730" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrlHieyzJ7hCRzLfIEE60FoMKnn5AkzeSkHG-9MkgXKT2BjsdG7JPdAiJbY_f3Vg5Y6HYbozCYmnITz9PArF7ZE_oxSzdipj9AhPcais2UF0FfbVzlwdBrTFTRISRfKoAdwjjEm1whejk/s200/LaborDayChicago+151.jpg" /></a><br /><p><br />Any of the following sound vaguely familiar?</p><ul><li>The world has developed into a place populated by those who go to meetings and the others who serve coffee and donuts to those who go to meetings. </li><br /><li>The world has evolved to the point that there are two kinds of working people, those who plan and go to meetings, and the rest of us who have been told by them that we must do our jobs and fit them around meetings they have planned so they can tell us how to do our jobs. </li><br /><li>Meetings are for those who cannot make a decision about how to spend other people’s time and money badly without bringing them all together to talk for too long about how they are going to spend other people’s time and money badly. </li><br /><li>Meetings are like paperwork, the more there is the less actual work gets done. </li><br /><li>The world is divided into two kinds of meetings, ones that tell you what you already know and do it in the longest amount of time imaginable, and ones that teach you what you don’t know in a way that assures that you will have to relearn it after you’ve left the meeting.</li><br /><li>Meetings are designed to give everyone a chance to participate in making decisions that have already been made. </li><br /><li>The prime purpose of meetings is for people from far-flung departments to get together to see who’s hair and waistline is different and who will act as badly as they always do at meetings. That way everyone is sure to have something to contribute at the next meeting.<br /></li></ul><br /><p>Meetings are alternately disparaged and tolerated, essential and a complete waste of time.<br /><br />A good meeting may hard to find, but when you are a part of one you know it. You can take something back from a well-facilitated and efficiently thought-out meeting that is helpful and can be implemented with understanding and clarity.<br /><br />A successful meeting reinforces the common goals and connections that bring people together for the meeting and to the workplace in general. People leave good meetings feeling they have been heard and their expertise has been honored and/or their concerns aptly addressed.<br /><br />We leave good meetings with new information clearly expressed and clearly actionable.<br /><br />We leave good meetings knowing who we would contact should we have questions about the information the meeting dealt with.<br /><br />Bad meetings are the stuff of corporate, agency, or workgroup legend. We all have our war stories, funny, tragic and unbelievable. That is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about having good meetings.<br /><br />If meetings are a necessary evil then let us make them tolerable and productive. Let us make them as short as possible without cutting necessary corners or being required to convene another meeting to cover the information or processes that were left out or unconsidered. Let us work to make them a place where people feel value and able; places where our connections to one another in the workplace, even if contentious, are valuable and affirmative.<br /><br />Here is a list of a few things that make a meeting worth attending. It doesn’t pretend to be completely comprehensive and I invite additions. It is not meant to pertain to the kind of bad news meetings in which people, in large or small numbers, or their departments, are let go. It certainly does not concern meetings in which the purpose is to “hot seat” one or a few employees by ganging up on them to attempt to motivate change, whether the need for action along that vein is necessary or not. I would propose that while some of the items on this list might work for such a meeting, meetings for those purposes are counter-intuitive and fail in almost every aspect of the basis for having a successful meeting.<br /><br />1) Do your homework. Not only in terms of the information and/or process that is the purpose of the meeting, but in terms of the process of the meeting itself. </p><br /><div>2) Do your homework whether you will lead or attend. Is your role as attendee going to be interactive or passive? What information do you need to have with you? Who has the information about this if you do not know?</div><br /><div><br />3) Ask these questions:<br />a. Is this largely a meeting to disseminate new information or to share information and problem solve a new or faltering process?<br />b. How much time needs to be dedicated to interaction between attendees?<br />c. How much teaching time is required?<br />d. What do you know about the learning and process styles of those in attendance?<br />e. As an attendee: what do you know about your own way of participating in group process and how can it be used constructively?</div><br /><div><br />4) Do you need to lead or facilitate or both? Where are your strengths? If you are a good leader but fall short as a facilitator can you ask someone else with that strength to co-lead if the meeting requires an ample amount of facilitation?</div><br /><div><br />5) Decide on the format and time line for the meeting and stick to it. Designate an official time-keeper if you will be too busy or are not good at tracking time. Inform and ask all participants to observe these time lines and thank them in advance for agreeing to do so. As a participant, be willing to actively participate in time management.</div><br /><div><br />6) Are there high context people who will attend who require more interaction and background time to process and share? How can you help them participate without allowing the timelines and goals of the meeting to be subverted?</div><br /><div><br />7) What about quick-thinking result-oriented people to whom meetings can be seen as a waste of time, but who have great information and innovative, effective styles? How can you engage them in the process without others feeling rushed, interrupted or minimized?</div><br /><div><br />8) Practice or script how you plan to move the meeting along to its next item of business or away from one that has been finalized or thoroughly discussed. (Stick to the time frame!)</div><br /><div><br />9) Design your time line to incorporate ample question and answer periods during the body of the meeting and one toward the end prior to the final recap (see following). Do not take more time than needed for questions and be ready to sort and defer questions to another time or to a one-to-one interaction at a later date (“Why don’t you and I talk about that another time” “We’d have more time to discuss that in full later, let’s move on.” “Why don’t you talk to me after the meeting and we can schedule a time to talk about that”)</div><br /><div><br />10) Make sure to include ample time for as many recap and summary periods as are necessary during the course of the meeting and for a comprehensive one at the close of the meeting. Make sure people share and know what the meeting has accomplished and what the expectations are after the meeting. Do not shirk or short-change the recap. This is when the meeting’s goals and objectives will be re-stated and its specific actions and processes or changes reviewed. A good recap clarifies confusion, restates resolutions and implementations. Ask participants for feedback on the process of the meeting after the final recap. A brief, sincere and good-humored, “How do you think this meeting went?” can go a long way toward engaging your coworkers, associates and clients in follow up and the success of meetings to come.</div><br /><div><br />And finally, be grateful to the participants. Especially be grateful to those whose work day is full of tasks that a meeting takes them away from. Acknowledge both the necessity and the imposition of the meeting. Participants of a successful meeting might also put some effort into gratitude. And be specific in your positive feedback. People are often problem-oriented. They remember what they did wrong. What they did right is forgotten in spite of it holding the potential solution for what they did wrong. They will remember if you acknowledge it.</div><br /><div><br />So, good luck to you in your efforts to make your meetings a productive and engaging part of how you accomplish what your work requires of you.<br /><br />Remember: a meeting’s effectiveness is not in the idea of the meeting itself, but how it is organized and run. Meetings are our chance, really, to bring people together to communicate about the goals toward which our work groups, companies or agencies are primarily engaged. Without them we are often ineffective, even if brilliant, Lone Rangers with an incomplete toolbox of ways to communicate with those who are engaged in parts of the same task that we are.<br /><br />Meetings are a place to share expertise, vision and support. We can assume that, once the issues of money, basic needs and mutual respect are dealt with, everyone wants to do the best job they can. As human beings we look for opportunities to learn how to do that.<br /><br />While meetings should not be the only way to facilitate this natural human urge to improve and excel, if done well they can be great avenues and opportunities toward that end. They can simultaneously assist us to engage in and get better at interacting with others and that can make our work group learn and excel too.<br /><br />Good luck and go get ‘em! </div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-6322688206873434132010-11-04T07:47:00.001-04:002010-11-04T07:47:58.099-04:00RSA Animate - Drive: The surprising truth about what motivates us<object style="BACKGROUND-IMAGE: url(http://i2.ytimg.com/vi/u6XAPnuFjJc/hqdefault.jpg)" width="480" height="295"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/u6XAPnuFjJc?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/u6XAPnuFjJc?fs=1&hl=en_US" width="480" height="295" allowscriptaccess="never" allowfullscreen="true" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-73445308466069415562010-10-11T21:40:00.004-04:002010-10-11T21:52:41.259-04:00Honoring Our Gifts: Letter to My Talents<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQftUgKyNqgUGfXwfYM48vloNaqgIAkIIyEaRRXBM7Da9qk3KfT8k8fJ4FTzwN4vJpxPcuA03_fRSx1Mb30kJ4xXOkAHWtnITJgaWGDucnbmTlP2UKdteZOgfWRq2juZdhYTlMlfNhEdA/s1600/DSC03876.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 300px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5526969833469789826" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQftUgKyNqgUGfXwfYM48vloNaqgIAkIIyEaRRXBM7Da9qk3KfT8k8fJ4FTzwN4vJpxPcuA03_fRSx1Mb30kJ4xXOkAHWtnITJgaWGDucnbmTlP2UKdteZOgfWRq2juZdhYTlMlfNhEdA/s400/DSC03876.JPG" /></a><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:85%;">The following letter was written during a retreat weekend at The Fen. Not far from Three Rivers Michigan, on a tributary and wetland that is part of the St. Joseph River system, The Fen is a very special artists’ retreat center owned and shared with others by the great Canadian singer, songwriter and poet Ferron and her partner Mary.<br /><br />Our retreat weekend was structured around keeping silence for a good portion of the day and “talking your walk” with the rest of an intimate number of participants at the end of the day.<br /><br />One of the suggested assignments was to write a letter to an important some one, something, or some place, and/or to address your fear of expressing your talent: what keeps you from sharing your gifts? I chose to write a letter to my talents.<br /><br />I found succor and connection in the exercise and in the product of the exercise, which I share here. I heartily recommend similar experiments to others as a way to get to one’s center of worth and worthiness, whether you identify as an artist or not. Besides, it’s fun!<br /><br /></span></em><br />Dear Talents;<br /><br />First of all I’d like to thank you for a wonderful weekend. You went out of your way to make my place with you comfortable and exciting and included enough risk-taking that I felt somehow I could be new and renew.<br /><br />Of course the customs in your country are somewhat strange and alien considering the restrictions in the place I find myself living. But, in spite of that, it didn’t take long for me to see that lifting that veil, that veneer of masks and meaningless prohibitions and letting them fall away, was all for the best. Your rules, if one can even call them that, to honor your heart, to speak the best parts of yourself, and to connect with the best parts of others – and then to make something lasting and worthy for the next generations – are strange at first, but soon come naturally; so naturally that I find myself humming those tunes even in the most adverse situations.<br /><br />This must be how people, even in the most oppressive lands, those dim and dank mine shafts of the collective shadow, survive: they know their music, they remember and honor the songs of their loving predecessors, and they always discover what is new and can be depended upon. And they find ways and people with whom to share what they have discovered. That is what I’ve learned from you my friend.<br /><br />I know you have been with me since I was a child but your name, or names, were hidden from me even as you were born in my own house like some secret sibling I could turn to in the dark night afraid and we could cling together – and laugh or hum our little new songs back and forth, back and forth, never to forget we belong together, we are in one another, even if the circumstances of kings and queens would have us doubt our worth.<br /><br />I like your country and hope I will find time in my waking hours and even more often in my dreams to be near you there. Until then, fare thee well. Let us speak often and well as we have been able to and reconfirm the inseparable nature of our bonds.<br /><br />I am sitting by a river now. It is Fall and the bright tree -- orange, yellow, and amber -- is mirrored in the moving water. Strange. I could be in your country even here. Yes, there are trains and the drone of far away trucks, even gun shots, sometimes fearsomely close, close enough to remember the wars others have to dream through to remember you and the possibilities of where you live. I cannot forget them, can I?<br /><br />So I hope I can bring you to my living even here – these small places where we make enough quiet to hear you in the intermittent rain of Fall leaves, the owls and kingfishers, the crickets behind me, the little green frog with duckweed on its back.<br /><br />Look at all the little leaf boats! They are coming around the bending water toward me. And then, even then, I must let them go on!<br /><br />Thank you for your gifts to me,<br /><br />Forever yours, inestimably mine, infinitesimally ours –<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Bob</div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-1278655970899361902010-09-08T21:31:00.004-04:002010-09-08T21:39:47.801-04:00Six Questions for Initial One-to-One Workplace Problem-Solving Sessions<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6qUZkaEXWKgnZev9PFrsKvavou5PAndWQWgqV_mVsubClpFWNXkqHispEQbSSjNEoclZ8N1KsXUy4JTZXAqp3PpfU4J5mMoJe5gchSjYLm3jsuRGs0_GwcHDyMlf6BIeGqIDb3HlMU0Q/s1600/DSC03410.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514721486128187842" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6qUZkaEXWKgnZev9PFrsKvavou5PAndWQWgqV_mVsubClpFWNXkqHispEQbSSjNEoclZ8N1KsXUy4JTZXAqp3PpfU4J5mMoJe5gchSjYLm3jsuRGs0_GwcHDyMlf6BIeGqIDb3HlMU0Q/s320/DSC03410.JPG" /></a><br /><div><br /><em>Please answer these questions or be prepared to discuss these questions when I meet with you for our initial one-to-one session. There are no right answers. What we talk about will be held in confidence, unless it has to do with any illegal or unethical behavior.<br /><br />My approach to workplace conflict or desired change revealed through our talks will be to assist you to take charge of how to work to resolve it yourself, either through coaching you in ways to initiate and carry out direct conversations to that end, or to be present during conflict resolution sessions with those the conflict concerns. We will work on coping strategies when direct problem-solving is not the best choice or premature.<br /><br />Although the word conflict has negative connotations and often creates anxiety, I believe it can be used as an opportunity for understanding and positive change.<br /></em></div><div> </div><div><br />1) What interpersonal or communication skill or attribute do you think is your most valuable asset to your work team?<br /><br />2) Can you describe some interpersonal or communication skill you think you could be better at in the workplace?<br /><br />3) What is the major difference between the way you communicate at home with family and friends and the way you communicate in the workplace?<br /><br />4) Name one to three positive communication patterns already in place in the workplace that you think could be used more. How do you think this might be accomplished and what do you think you could commit to doing to make it more common?<br /><br />5) Name one to three communication patterns that are absent from or have a negative effect in the workplace. How do you think this might be remedied? What do you think you would commit to doing to help create a remedy?<br /><br />6) What is the most difficult aspect of workplace communication for you? Name one to three ways you think I could help you manage, cope or change that aspect.</div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-19762192530499904962010-08-13T07:05:00.004-04:002010-08-13T07:14:03.287-04:00We Are Wrong About Being Wrong<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGEn-ciH1831z2uGlHMi5J-kfeaB0D2AgGz9iEGXgMAaM2hjBqJDrT_4-_oa5t37UADGJ0sB_KH_46J_P_LvU-JXqUj25gdb2w2uS2ULQEOBCXDv3AiZ9kGYfO2sZSShCijn7GwiMwEfI/s1600/AugustFlorida09+004.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5504850145462801922" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGEn-ciH1831z2uGlHMi5J-kfeaB0D2AgGz9iEGXgMAaM2hjBqJDrT_4-_oa5t37UADGJ0sB_KH_46J_P_LvU-JXqUj25gdb2w2uS2ULQEOBCXDv3AiZ9kGYfO2sZSShCijn7GwiMwEfI/s200/AugustFlorida09+004.jpg" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:180%;">from op/ed columnist Johann Hari:</span><br /></div><div><br /><em>If we want to face up to our mistakes, then we need to change the way we think about them. Error is an essential step in the process of finding the right answer</em></div><br /><div><br />Friday, 13 August 2010, The UK’s Independent</div><div><br />Here's a series of questions that should be fairly straight- forward, but are actually excruciating. When were you last wrong? What has been your most recent serious screw-up at work? What has been your biggest mistake in your personal life? We all have a weird and paradoxical relationship with our mistakes. We can see that everyone around us makes errors all the time – yet we are always astonished when it turns out we are getting things wrong too. It's because, deep down, we see being wrong as shameful proof that we've been sloppy, or stupid. This belief pervades our culture: we applaud the public figures who "stay the course", even if it's wrong, and boo the ones who admit a mistake and "U-turn" or "flip-flop". But what if – apologies for the irony landslide here – we are wrong in the whole way we think about being wrong?</div><div><br />A brilliant new manifesto has just been published urging us to reassess our relationship with our own mistakes: Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error by the American journalist Kathryn Schulz. Perhaps the best place to start her story is with an experiment first staged in the University of Berlin in 1902 by Professor Frank Von Liszt. In a classroom, two students began to have an angry argument, until one pulled out a gun. As the panicked students around them drew back, a professor tried to intervene – and a shot was fired. The professor collapsed to the ground. The witnesses, unaware that all three were actors following a script, were then taken outside and quizzed about what they had seen and heard. They were encouraged to give as much detail as possible. </div><div><br />Everyone got it wrong. They put long monologues into the mouths of spectators who had said nothing; they "heard" the row as being about a dozen different imagined subjects, from girlfriends to debts to exams; they saw blood everywhere, when there was none. Most people got a majority of their "facts" wrong, and even the very best witness offered a picture that was 25 per cent fiction. The more certain the witness, the more wrong they were. Every time the experiment is run, the results are the same.</div><div><br />The implications are pretty startling. Human beings can't even accurately describe an event of great importance that we have just witnessed with our own eyes. What does that suggest about our ability to be easily right about much more complex questions? In American Pastoral, Philip Roth calls life, "an astonishing farce of misperception". Our abilities to perceive and reason are painfully limited, while the world is unutterably complex. We are peering at an entire universe through a drinking straw.</div><div><br />So the meaningful question about any human being isn't: does he get things wrong? With these limitations, we will all make big mistakes. The real question is: does he take the time to understand his mistakes and learn from them? But you can only do this regularly if you know how to think about mistakes in a healthy way. </div><br /><div>There are a few areas of human life where people have found a way to do this. Revealingly, they are the areas that make things work better than any other – the sciences. To pluck one example of millions, when Barry Marshall and Robin Warren proposed that stomach ulcers were caused by bacterial infections in the 1980s, almost all scientists disagreed. Now, after conclusive tests, everyone agrees. It's not that scientists have less ego than the rest of us, or feel less sting when they are proven wrong. It's that they have developed rigorous techniques for constantly checking their claims against the evidence, and ruthlessly hunting out their errors and figuring out what they mean. </div><div><br />This approach can be extended. After two planes collided at Tenerife airport in 1977, killing 600 people, the airline industry introduced radical new protocols. Crew and ground members are now actually rewarded for reporting their own errors and screw-ups. The result? Accidents fell dramatically, from 0.178 per million flight hours to 0.104.</div><div><br />Now compare that to the way we conduct public life. One of the most predictable applause lines for any politician is to boast that he won't back down, look back, or say sorry. Tony Blair wasn't unusual when he bragged: "I can only go one way, I've got no reverse gear." But a car without a reverse gear would be banned from the roads. </div><div><br />Yet we have structured our public life so this seems like a sensible statement, while anyone who ever admits a mistake is talking themselves out of a job. You can hear the carping interviewers now: "How can we ever trust you again, if you were wrong about this?" We make it easier to continue in error than to admit error and put it right.</div><div><br />If we want to face up to our mistakes more regularly, then we need to change the way we think about them. If we see them as proof of our own incompetence, we will continue to puff out our chests and pretend they aren't there. Is there a different way?</div><div><br />Error is an essential step in the process of finding the right answer. Every scientist leaves behind a trail of disproven hypotheses and papers shot to pieces by colleagues. He doesn't see them as shameful, but as part of a process that was bringing him closer to the truth through experimentation. Similarly, James Joyce, thinking about all the drafts he wrote that failed, said, "a man's errors are his portals of discovery". </div><div><br />But error may be even more fundamental than that. From the moment we are born, human beings are creating theories about the world, based on limited evidence. It's how we survived: if our ancestors hadn't generalised that all lions are dangerous, you wouldn't be reading this. Errors are often simply this necessary impulse reaching too far, or misfiring. So the impulse that makes us wrong is also the impulse that makes us human. </div><div> </div><div>Since reading Schultz's book, I have been trying harder to train myself to think systematically about my own mistakes. Every week, I make a list of what I have got wrong, personally or professionally, and try to figure out how to get it right next time. I can't entirely drain the pain from it, but I do think there's a hunger out there for this approach: the most positive reaction I have ever had to a column was when I tried to publicly explore how I had got the Iraq war so horribly wrong. What I learned from that awful mistake – the true factors that drive US and UK foreign policy, rather than propaganda claims – have led me, I think, to positive insights since. If I had instead run from the error and insisted it wasn't there, I would be stuck in a bloody blind alley, devoid of insights.</div><div><br />Tim Harford of Radio 4's More or Less has suggested an annual prize for the politician who makes the most constructive admission of error. It'd be a good start – but we will best seek a healthier approach to error in public life when we achieve it in ourselves. </div><div><br />You will get something wrong today, and tomorrow, and every day of your life. So will I, and everybody you know. You don't have a choice about being wrong sometimes: mistakes will be your life-long companion. But you do have a choice about whether to approach your error in terror so you suppress, ignore and repeat it – or to make it your honest, open ally in trying to get to the truth. </div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-48064749396084293152010-07-10T13:19:00.007-04:002010-07-11T08:42:15.331-04:00The Function in Dysfunction: Families in Transformation<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYCztNTV4ZFa5bqnVPd4qdejXY8_fmmOF_Kx61xevBNt9O3o5XPYXBBwtvxL39W-BlAnGi8uXr7WlP4xMNqYXYuahcwgA9HUpbCG-i71u8jZzcuHz2ij4ELn6phMycsI4Zf4wzSVxgRPw/s1600/Bliss09blackandwhitepastoral+059.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 308px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492329616033130034" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYCztNTV4ZFa5bqnVPd4qdejXY8_fmmOF_Kx61xevBNt9O3o5XPYXBBwtvxL39W-BlAnGi8uXr7WlP4xMNqYXYuahcwgA9HUpbCG-i71u8jZzcuHz2ij4ELn6phMycsI4Zf4wzSVxgRPw/s400/Bliss09blackandwhitepastoral+059.jpg" /></a><br /><div>I worked as a family counselor with a hospice organization for eleven years. During my first meetings with the person who had been admitted to our program, a program designed to deliver aggressive but not curative care to people with terminal illness, I came to expect and be prepared for the patient or a family member to take me aside and tell me that their family was “dysfunctional”. This admission was such a common feature of my early meetings with families that I learned, early on in my work, a kind of script for my response. My response was generally calibrated to fit the individual situation, but more often than not I found myself saying that I was not sure I believed the word “dysfunctional” was a very accurate way to describe how any family works or does not work.<br /><br />I asked what the word “dysfunctional” meant to that person in relationship to their family. That in itself could turn into the basis of my ongoing work to help the patient and family integrate the anticipation of the devastating event of the expected death of one of its members. Generally speaking, and leaving out family systems that include repeated and multi-generationally enforced patterns of extreme and normalized torture and cruelty (and they happen often enough!), I was often able to help various members of a family reframe how they perceived the way their family worked as a system, even modifying the negative judgment in which they had initially compartmentalized their family’s functioning. In the end and often enough, if I was greeted with a quite common, healthy and functional will to comprehend how the love family members feel for one another is not often comfortably expressed, is full of normally complicated and difficult history and a wide range of feeling, many families could go about the business of caring for their dying loved one unfettered with the weight of feeling they are interminably wrong and flawed, a kind of a “double whammy” when one is attempting to carry out the extreme challenges of caring for a dying family member and all that it entails.<br /><br />I think there is a common belief based in some ways on very real changes in how we think about families and the roles of men and women in families as well as attitudes about race and sexuality that have occurred over the past century that our families and how they work have become unfamiliar and undiscovered territory. We believe, perhaps rightly, that our families are made up of new combinations of expectations and untested norms and sometimes frightening and alien intentions and lack of intention… as if, in the past, there were clearer guidelines regarding what was expected from each family member and fewer deep and fracturing misunderstandings and communication gaffes than seem to be a huge part of how family estrangements and long term conflicts are born and sustained.<br /><br />I cannot deny that there have been changes in how our society views the function of family as well as very real and obvious changes in what the family looks like in the United States and perhaps in the rest of the world. Deeply actualized alterations in how many people see race, and the overall move toward a willing or reticent integration of race, spirituality, sexuality and nationality groups have been seeded and taken root in the family. Mixed race families have become something of a norm and even accepted, with fervor or begrudgingly, even in individual families throughout the culture. Our own president is a good example of this shift.<br /><br />The push for and the ultimate inevitability of non-heterosexual partnerships being given equal status in family and child-rearing has had a huge impact on our individual and collective ambivalence about what a family is, what it means, and what it does… how it functions as a basic foundation stone in the structure of humanity.<br /><br />So yes, this change is real and, perhaps, a seminal and historically, bio-sociologically evolutionary event. We can choose to be excited and relieved by the change, or we can predict the doom and destruction of humanity based solely on the disintegration of the previous norms. Or both and everything in between.<br /><br />Certainly the confusion and lack of confidence in families and in the culture in which the foundation is shifting could largely be attributed to the disintegration of previously held and maintained attitudes and norms.<br /><br />That being said, there were always bi-racial people and couplings. But while we have suddenly awakened in a country in which we have, on one level, attained a long-awaited and, among the ethical and honest, hoped-for event… a non Caucasian president… we are also faced with the fact that in spite of that huge boundary being smashed, much has not changed. Much will not change.<br /><br />The same can be said about non-heterosexual marriages and openly recognized long term same sex unions. They have always existed, and in some of the greatest and most long-lived human societies, they were an open and accepted feature. There was and is still war. There is still greed and human-to-human cruelty. And I would propose that there were and still will be family rifts and estrangements, heart-felt tearful apologies, and forgiveness as well as heartbreaking death-bed scenes due to the inability to come to understanding, and reasonable but painfully held differences that cannot be resolved.<br /><br />Perhaps the most simultaneously celebrated and reviled change in families and societies is the role of women. Again, in spite of great strides being made, from family role-change in respect to gender, to the rise of women in all levels of occupation, vocation and influence (and in spite of the fact that there seems still to be a huge gap in gender equity in many places in the world and in subcultures, usually in theocratic societies large and small even in the U.S.) much has not changed; much conflict on all levels of society seems, more and more, to be integrated in the nature of humanity as opposed to the nature of how societies and families have organized themselves.<br /><br />What does all this theorizing have to do with the confidence we have or do not have in how our families look, feel and function? How can knowing that these changes are at the same time real and illusory… even disappointing… help you plan for your interactions with your long estranged cousin’s clan as you all attempt to put on your best behavior at the funeral of a family patriarch or matriarch?<br /><br />Good question.<br /><br />It seems to me the question is not how to dysfunctionalize or even suppress these new forms of family dynamics and attributes. Some, out of the irrational fear that comes from superstition, lack of understanding of and apprehension about irrevocable change, would like to.<br /><br />Besides, the dynamics and attributes of this change have always been present in one form or another. Perhaps the biggest challenge in our society and in our families is how to develop personal and interpersonal skills to facilitate and cope with how these attributes are no longer as suppressed, are coming out into the open, are being expressed in their rightful and transparent places in our lives.<br /><br />What if our task is not learning how to cope with the dysfunction these new family attributes have released, but how to adjust and tune into the potential they hold for us? What if the goal is to finally be set free from the vagaries and deep and often disastrous pitfalls of the patriarchal, racially segregated, rigidly and unrealistically heterosexual family models of the past?<br /><br />Perhaps this is a major shift for human society. Perhaps the adjustments, the suffering as well as the opportunities and potential this change holds for us is on a par with other shifts in collective consciousness and ways of surviving.<br /><br />What if these new emerging family models carry with them as yet unrecognized skills and tools for successfully managing and thriving on a transforming earth and in a human culture that remains a place of the best of times and the worst of times? Where will we be, or not be, if we allow the regressive elements of our society to further repress what are basic and necessary, if sometimes chaotic and not fully understood, ways to express human social equality at the very foundation of that human collective, the family?<br /><br />It is clear we need skills, invention and confidence that we can move forward, eyes wide open. We have to seek out ways we have functioned, and functioned well, during such changes in how our intimate worlds are constructed and how they work. Instead of adopting a model of dysfunction we might fully invest in the understanding that the only reason the family and society in general has gotten this far is because of how the innate forces and systems of our evolving nature are based in function, in how things work, not wallowing in how they don’t work. Systems do not survive not working. If they do not work, if they are truly dysfunctional, they fail. In the biochemical physical universe dysfunction means disappearance. It can also mean transformation. But in that case the change is rooted in a will to function, and so the dysfunction or what is called dysfunction, is actually an integral part of how a system returns to, never really leaves, functionality.<br /><br />So go to the funeral. Be prepared for the drama and sadness. Be prepared to be stricken by the suffering with which such human endeavors and functions are suffused. But just as one relative approaches you to complain bitterly about another, or a sibling weeps deeply and inconsolably about the lost opportunity to make right what might never have been made right anyway, understand this in terms of how you and your family work, not how they do not work. Then see where that leads you. </div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6980924408891647412.post-1619557827376160142010-06-23T21:56:00.005-04:002010-06-23T22:08:14.255-04:00A Guest Article: Where Is Love Going?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimQDsS8JOi92jxAzSx8QBu5-YTY1VWQcjxV00FMzTgvqDc5RxS8dxhWtYhxdOFL2RgDoj4EwH0M_zblLtSEC0SQoZvvLq2RF_-NEYZvuqfKrVitOiGRxCtgjJ720tdfvfOGnPCP1VmsEc/s1600/gardenspring09andreadingondivision+074.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 165px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5486155399156102674" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimQDsS8JOi92jxAzSx8QBu5-YTY1VWQcjxV00FMzTgvqDc5RxS8dxhWtYhxdOFL2RgDoj4EwH0M_zblLtSEC0SQoZvvLq2RF_-NEYZvuqfKrVitOiGRxCtgjJ720tdfvfOGnPCP1VmsEc/s200/gardenspring09andreadingondivision+074.jpg" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:180%;">Yasmin Alibhai-Brown: Where has all the love gone?<br /></span></div><br /><div><strong>The burning flame of passionate mutuality is burning out as people obsessively chase ratings in the mating game</strong><br /></div><br /><div><em>Monday, 21 June 2010, The Independent</em><br /></div><br /><div>A 25th wedding anniversary party thrown by some dear friends on Saturday was a fabulous celebration of enduring ardour and affection. The husband, a musician, got us singing old romantic songs as he played the piano. But as joy filled the marquee, I felt a whit of unease and then the cold touch of melancholia. </div><div><br />My brother-in-law, who died recently, was devoted to my mentally ill sister for three decades. How many marriages of the future would have such perseverance and longevity? Why did the songs sound like ghosts from an era long gone, never to return? Completely by coincidence my first wedding in 1972 was on the same date, the 19th of June. It didn't last, couldn't survive the self-gratifying Eighties which led inexorably to our age of narcissism and commodification of everything, including intimacy.<br /></div><br /><div>Even Martin Amis, both an embodiment and chronicler of the Thatcherite culture, is somewhat unnerved by modernity, in particular, by the way sex today is severed from feelings. About the long sex fest in his latest book, The Pregnant Widow, he says, disarmingly, "it's pornographic sex. It's easy to write because the emotion has been withdrawn. It's cynical and recreational".<br /></div><br /><div>Before long, says David Levy, people will be able to get a robot to satisfy their sex needs and programme in the required doses of affection too. Levy, a successful computer chess programmer, wrote a book on the metallic objects of desire that will end unhappiness because "everyone can have someone" in their empty lives. He isn't crazy. You can already buy the Japanese made Honeydoll, a pleaser which (who?) emits orgasmic sounds when stroked. Perhaps next, boy dolls proving their manhood upon being touched by keen hands. </div><div><br />In 2005, brain researchers from New York University at Stony Brook reported in the Journal of Neurophysiology that sex and love produce different body responses and that romantic love is a more powerful force than mere sex drive. It is what makes us human. That precious, fragile, universal bond between partners may not survive long in the West. Men and women can copulate more imaginatively and freely than ever before; they just can't talk as well with lovers, care for them, and make love. </div><div><br />The burning flame of passionate mutuality is burning out as people obsessively chase ratings in the mating game. Loveless sex, aided by Viagra and other chemicals, is an anesthetised experience, unmemorable and futile. The internet is full of sex advice, addicts, positions, tricks, fantasies, costumes and porn. There is hardly anything on the emotional truths and gifts of love. </div><div><br />In the east and south, love is endangered by other brute forces. These countries have their tragic fables of impossible love. Films, books, songs and poems lament unfortunate and impulsive paramours who can't resist each other. Once people understood that wasn't real life. Now, as individualism and the idea of personal choice spreads across the globalised world, sensual love is awakened in these societies, threatening the old order under which marriages reinforce social and familial ties, maintain patriarchal control and involve clever economic calculations.</div><br /><div>That is why there is a sharp increase in forced marriages, more murders of young lovers (as happened in Delhi this month when a couple were tortured and killed by the girl's family), veiling, ruthless state interventions too. Loving sex is banned. Meanwhile the use of porn and prostitution rises fast. </div><div><br />We can imagine what will happen if we neglect the environment, overpopulate the planet, fail to tackle inequality. More perilous still would be a future throbbing with heartless, instant, blanked out sex and no abiding love. We may find a way of coping with dried rivers, but dried hearts? </div><br /><div></div><div>That Stygian future is fast approaching. Those of us filled with foreboding fear it may already be too late. </div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div><em><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></em> </div><div><em><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></em> </div><div><em><span style="font-size:85%;">(reprinted by direct permission of the author)</span></em></div>Bob Vancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452162877705588334noreply@blogger.com0