A Family's Responds to "Exploring Feelings of Being Lovable"

The following is a letter that one of my clients got from a family member after the family spent an evening discussing my last post, "Exploring Feelings of Being Lovable, 12 Questions and Exercises".

I can't think of a better use for these questions and exercises and I am gratified and honored that this family took the opportunity to use them to enhance their relationships to one another. I think it takes a lot of courage to disclose and discuss such private and deeply held feelings. I also think this letter says more than I can say about the positive results of using such a method to build more gratifying intimacy in one's family. And it sounds like it was fun too!

Dear Mom;

I was having trouble sleeping and I got to thinking about our 12 question conversation last night. It was very interesting to hear every one's views on themselves, each other and life in general. In particular, your thoughts about not feeling like you could be yourself throughout most of your life for fear of rejection or feeling like you just weren't good enough. That brought something to my mind as I sat here in my office thinking random thoughts. You spoke of certain times/events in your life that you needed to hear that you were loved and didn't receive it. I can not relate to that particular scenario but I am almost certain that I can tell you about something that you do not spend nearly enough time thinking about. How you have affected the people around you. I'll give you some examples. I'm aware this is going to sound really weird coming from me but hear it goes. Be patient, I'll get to my point.

You and I have had many conversations often involving self reflection but until the last 17 months I never really paid that close attention to my side of the story. I'm sure you have probably said a prayer or two about your own situations in life but have never realized how many peoples prayers you have unknowingly been god's answer to and often times at the sacrifice of your own happiness. This was just my one personal example. I bet if we could look back 3 years ago in a dirty old dilapidated house in northern Michigan we would find an old lady praying for someone to help her. Or 12 years ago in St.. Charles we'd find Larry (probably not praying but certainly hoping) to find someone to spend his life with.

Or several years ago your father wondering how he was going to get through life without your mother and then probably praying to find someone (I mean anyone) to takeover for you so you can try and get on with your life and stop worrying about him. Or your brothers, again probably not praying but certainly hoping, that someone is going to take care of dad after their mother died so it wouldn't be such a burden on them. You single-handedly compensated for your daughter's lack of a father and still managed to raise her to have a good heart which after hearing more about the town she grew up in seems almost like an impossibility.

I guess what I'm getting at is I can't help but think that a lot of the pain you have endured in your life was actually everyone else's pain. You would rather take it upon yourself than see someone you love hurting. We talked briefly during our 12 questions quiz about how people in you life have not always let you know how much you mean to them. I think there's a couple of reasons for that aside from the obvious emotional instability. One has tobe the fact that many of the people in your life don't even realize the huge sacrifices you have made for them. The second has to be that most people are not nearly as compassionate as you and therefore, once again, don't think about letting you know how much they appreciate you.

Well I love and appreciate you mom. Not just for the cookies. For the chicken salad too:)ha ha. You have unknowingly been the ongoing answer to my prayer and not only improved my life but my relationship with my wife, my family and my business. Thank you. Apparently Pam is right, my universe responds to my prayers. So my new prayer is that you will not only soon get the happiness but the relief and care that you have given to so many others. But you have to be willing to recognize it and accept it and for once not cure someone else's pain at the sacrifice of your own joy.

Sincerely,

(anonymous at the author's request)

Exploring Feelings of Being Lovable: 12 Questions and Exercises

by Bob Vance

Remember, these questions and exercises are for creative exploration. There are no right or wrong answers. It is best to answer spontaneously, or to use them as a basis for meditative, even prayerful, contemplation. Take your time!


1) Who was the first person to tell you “I love you”? Describe how you felt. If you cannot, why do you think that is so?

2) Who was the last person to tell you “I love you”? Describe how you felt.

3) Is there an important person in your life who has never said the words “I love you” to you, but who you know loves you? What part of that is comforting? What part is uncomfortable?

4) What thoughts arise in you when someone says “You have to love yourself before you can feel love from others”?

5) What does loving yourself mean to you?

6) If you could love yourself better how would your life improve?

7) Do you think there are actions that you can take that might move you toward feeling more loved? If so, can you list three of them? If not, why not?

8) In 25 words or less write your personal theory about how important love is to your life. What experience from your life makes this theory true?

9) Write the names of five people you know love you. Indicate if they have ever said they love you. Regardless of that answer briefly describe how you know they love you.

Have you ever said ‘I love you’ to each of those five people? How do you show them you love them regardless of whether or not you have said it?

10) How do you think your feelings of being loved and/or unloved affect your overall satisfaction with your life?

11) Name three new things you think you can do that will help you feel more loveable when you are feeling unlovable. What do you think might go right or go wrong if you try these new things?

12) What fears do you have when you think about talking honestly to one person you trust about your feelings of being unlovable? How might talking to one trusted person about this help you feel more loveable? If you think it would help, how soon can you do this?

The Real Work

by Wendell Berry

It may be that when we no longer know what to do

we have come to our real work,

and that when we no longer know which way to go

we have come to our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

20 Ideas for Open-ended Questions and Statements

-- to Develop Authentic Trust, Get Good Results from Assessment Interviewing, and Engage in Therapeutic Relationship Building

1. I’ve never had that experience. Can you tell me more about that?

2. That sounds difficult, what did you do that helped you get through that?

3. That sounds difficult, were there things you did that didn’t seem to help very much? What were they?

4. That’s interesting. A few years ago I had a similar circumstance in my family. At first we didn’t know what to do about it. What did you do?

5. That happened a long time ago. How does that still effect your way of seeing your self and your family (husband, father, sister etc…)

6. You really brighten up when you talk about that. How does that make you happy?

7. You seem confused and sad when you talk about that. What about that experience made it difficult?

8. When you think about that, how does that relate to what is happening now?

9. I am interested in how you see yourself in that kind of circumstance, can you tell me more?

10. It will help me understand you more if you can give me more detail about that experience, do you mind telling me how you got from there to where you are now?

11. We are about the same age, I can tell you that thinking about an experience like yours in my life makes me fearful(scared, worried etc), how did you cope with those feelings when it happened to you?

12. You are from a different generation than I am. I know my father/mother don’t talk much about that time in their lives. It would help me understand and help you more if you could describe those years a little more.

13. Wow. That was an exciting part of your life. What do you think was the best part of that experience for you?

14. You must miss him/her terribly. I lost my (mother/father/sister/best friend) a year ago and it surprised me how hard it was… what was the hardest part of that loss for you?

15. You know, yesterday I really got angry when something like that happened to me too. It sounds like you wish you would have done something different in that situation… what do you think would have worked better?

16. You really didn’t want to come in today, I know. Is there a way I can help you feel more comfortable and safe until you can leave (until we are done)?

17. How do you like people to talk with you when you are not feeling well?

18. How can talking about that help you?

19. Tell me the rest of that story, that’s really interesting and it will help me get to know you.

20. I am glad you are willing to tell me such personal things, I want to reassure you that this conversation is confidential. What else about that experience makes you feel so sad?

These questions are meant to be jumping off places and jump-starters for questions individually designed for the unique situations with clients in which coaches find themselves.

The basic idea is to be aware of and work to relate the authenticity of your own interest in your clients' individual processes and sets of concerns through a judicious use of self-disclosure and finding common ground; at the same time creating an awareness in your client that he/she is the expert in his or her life by shining a light on their role as teacher of their life to you, the student.

Developed by Bob Vance

Questions for Coaches: When a Client Quits

• 
  At which session did you have an inkling that this was not going to work?
  
  

Are you satisfied with how you dealt with that inkling, both internally and with the client?

• Did the client's lack of directness about the effect of the sessions continue even after you explored her intention in coaching and her will to change?



• Do you feel that at some point you should have adjusted your expectation of what change means to this client? Her expectation of rate of change?



• When do you think you would have ended coaching with her and how would you have done it?



• What did you do well?

Nine Questions and an Exercise to Jump-Start Change in Your Life

1) How long has the change been needed?

2) What is the situation's history?

3) What are the external forces that keep the change from happening?

4) What are the internal/personal forces that keep the change from happening?

5) What are the top three reasons the change needs to take place?

6) What are the top three excuses/rationales made for keeping things status quo?

7) Are there parts of the ultimate goal/dream that can be compromised in order to still make needed change occur? Is reaching part of the goal, implementing part of the change, acceptable? Why and why not?

8) How quickly and/or gradually can the change be implemented?

9) Who can be enlisted to support and help facilitate this change and who will challenge it?

10) Exercise: Make a Change Flow Chart

a) Take two pieces of paper and on each draw and label a box for your “Start Point”, or where you are now. Label one paper “Vision Flow” and the other “Real Time Flow”

b) Decide upon a number of outcomes, no more than five, and draw boxes representing those outcomes vertically down opposite side of the "Vision Flow" paper from the "start point" box. Label those outcomes if you can or leave them blank until you are able to label them as you proceed.

c) Determine what your first action steps can be (no more than five), make a box for each step on "Vision Flow” piece of paper nearest the "Starting Point"; label each with name and a time frame for action.

d) As you are able, continue visioning flow-boxes and connections, in however many steps necessary, and with as many choices as is reasonable and useful, between your “Start Point” and your “Outcomes”. You can do this as you complete each step and move forward in your vision of change through the flow, or design a complete plan for your vision of change right away. You can also do both.

e) Your “Real Time Flow” chart can be filled in with boxes for the actual steps taken as they occur. Label the boxes with time frames and compare vision and real time. Adjust expectations, time frames and nature of outcomes as you proceed and is necessary.

Note: The less rigid you can be in relationship to expectations of differences between your vision and real time the more creative and less self-judging this exercise will be. The ideal way to proceed might be to see the "Vision Flow” as a fluid and changeable process. Doing it in pencil, or at least using pencil for the names and time frames, might facilitate an optimally creative and productive approach. That being said, incorporating actual time limits and needs is recommended. The “Vision Flow” chart and the “Real Time Flow” chart should interact with each other in productive and positive ways and be a way to document and encourage needed change.

After completing one step your major question can always be: "What is/are the next step/s I can take toward my goals?"

Created by Bob Vance BPh LBSW CPC

Courage by Anne Sexton

It is in the small things we see it.

The child's first step,

as awesome as an earthquake.

The first time you rode a bike,

wallowing up the sidewalk.

The first spanking when your heart

went on a journey all alone.

When they called you crybaby

or poor or fatty or crazy

and made you into an alien,

you drank their acid

and concealed it.

Later,

if you faced the death of bombs and bullets

you did not do it with a banner,

you did it with only a hat to

cover your heart.

You did not fondle the weakness inside you

though it was there.

Your courage was a small coal

that you kept swallowing.

If your buddy saved you

and died himself in so doing,

then his courage was not courage,

it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.

Later,

if you have endured a great despair,

then you did it alone,

getting a transfusion from the fire,

picking the scabs off your heart,

then wringing it out like a sock.

Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,

you gave it a back rub

and then you covered it with a blanket

and after it had slept a while

it woke to the wings of the roses

and was transformed.

Later,

when you face old age and its natural conclusion

your courage will still be shown in the little ways,

each spring will be a sword you'll sharpen,

those you love will live in a fever of love,

and you'll bargain with the calendar

and at the last moment

when death opens the back door

you'll put on your carpet slippers

and stride out.